Forget

I made a promise to myself

That in 2014

I would put away my blades

And stop hiding in my past

I tore down the pictures

I hid away the memories

Every train ticket and every piece of the place I used to call home

I hid them in a cardboard box in my closet

Along with my blades

Along with my sadness

I remember the night of the 31st was blurred

Blurred by the taste of bitter raspberry and a burn in my throat

I pretended I was okay

I pretended that I would be okay

Three days later

I'm rocking back and forth on my bed

With my hand covering my mouth

I'm staring at that closet door like it's my death

I'm crawling and stumbling

I'm crying and sobbing

I take out the key and turn it over in my hands

I take it out and throw it at the wall

I swore I was going to recover

I promised I would forget my scars but here I am opening up this box again

Here I am taking out that house key with the too-sharp edges

And I'm shaking as I let the pain flood back to my nerves again

I need to let it all out, it's all pent up inside my stomach, under my skin

I pretend I'll be okay but I relapse a little more every day

And the hurt is reflected in my eyes and in the corners of my mouth

It's haunting me even though I'm happy

I swore I'd be okay this year

I took all the pictures down

I hid all the broken pieces

But I am still fractured

I am still a shattered mirror

And I am putting myself back together again

So I can see my reflection

But as I do this my wrists are getting scarred

As I do this I am hurting myself more

I will fall apart at the slightest shake

I will crash and burn at the slightest shove

I will never admit it

I will never ask

But I need help putting these pieces back together again

I need help being okay again.