God Speaks to Me in a Bar

GOD SPEAKS TO ME IN A BAR

One day while I was sipping a beer

In a God forsaken bar

Heading to Hell just as fast as I could drink it down

Twenty drinks too sober

On the dismal wrong end

Of a Friday Night booze run

While I was half listening to some righteous

Funkified new age music

With a cosmic beat

And some bad assed ghetto attitude

Leaking out from the mellowness

It proclaimed the lie

God came up to me in that bar

I did not know him

From Adam

He looked like any other

Jesus god crazed bum

Looking for a handout

And peddling a little salvation

On the side

For his benighted soul

Just another god crazed

Looser dude

Too much acid in the past

No brain cells left

Nothing but Jesus will

Save his cosmic butt

So I blew off

The god dude

Told him off

I did not want

No salvation crap

To interfere

With my beer

My new age crap music

And my vision of carnal delight

Waiting for me Next door

In the next dismal strip club

On the wrong edge of society

Dancing naked

Waiting for me

And every other looser dude

To drop by

And see her in her naked glory

I told God

Make an appointment

My people will get in touch

With your people

We do lunch some day, dig

God looks at me

And says

God don't do no lunch, dude

Don't you know

Who the Jesus I am?

Insect, maggot?

No, I said

I don't know your royal butt

From Adam, Sir

God is getting angry

He yells

I am God

You drunken moron

I need you to pay

Attention to me

I looked up

At a 100 foot

Burning bush

God's voice

Is everyone

thunder and lighting

Lights up the sky

And I know

I am dealing

With the real deal

So I say,

God, Dude

What it is!

I did not know it was you

I did not recognize you

God, mollified,

Says

That is better

Here's the deal

Judgment day is at hand

I need an arrogant, tough

Son of a bitch of a sinner

To help judge

The good, the bad and the ugly

I need help

In knowing where to send

People to heaven or to hell

I say, God, Dude

I believe I know

Where I am going

Hell yes

So what do you

Need me for

Your royal dudeship?

God replies

Well, son

I need a man

Who's been there

Done that

See that

and knows in his heart

Whether a man

Can be redeemed

To join the celestial kingdom

So you see

I need

Someone like you

Someone from the lowest

Depths of society

Someone who has sunk down

So low it looks like up to him

You dig, you capish? Araso?

Oh yeah,

Dude, I do

And you got you man

Let's do it

let's do this judgment day

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