groan ups

3 months before i turn 4
mommy buries me in blankets and blows me a kiss
when i ask her why she won’t kiss me
like she does to daddy
she tells me
    kissing is for groan ups.
after she leaves
my heart goes pound pound pound
wondering how her
ashy straws taste.

2 months before
daddy recites the end of of sleeping beauty and
kisses my cheek
when i tell him what mommy said
a month ago he smiles
fiddles with his watch
says
    promiss you won’t tell?

1 month til my birthday
my big sister ally wakes me up crying
telling me we’re going to visit granma
wakking all funny and scrubbing
between her legs.
suddenly the door bursts open and i see daddy’s face
stretched in a way i’ve never seen it before
he tells us
    go back to bed.
grabs ally by her arm
something goes thump as he drags her away
the last thing i hear before drifting off to sleep
is a tick tick ticking noise.

the night of my birthday
daddy locks the door shut
sits on my bed
asks with bad breath if i want to see my birthday gift.
but just as he makes me promise not to tell
that he got me a train
and rolls the zipper of his pants down
there’s a loud pound pound pounding on the door
and daddy jumps up
the door falls down
like someone real strong pushed it
suddenly mommy and ally are in my room
crying and squishing me in a big hug ball
and daddy’s taken away by a man in a blue suit and me,
i still want to see the choo choo train.

a month after i turned 4
i’ve been sleeping in mommy’s room
i keep asking where daddy is and no one answers me
everyone’s treating me like a baby
and i wish daddy was still here
with his akko hall drinks
he would know how to treat me
like a groan up