Heart Of Black

I feel my heart turning black
coated with lies, evil ties to
the past which haunts me 
shackled to the same hurt
little boy that had no chance
no one, only a shattered 
reflection of a broken dream
A heart so abused and ripped
at the seams where hurt and
pain were my best friends
something happened where
I cannot remember certain
things, but perhaps its better
I don't remember so that I
don't last out and want to
be violent perhaps chains
are what are best for me
right now, a chained memory
wanting to be recoverd but
it would be so harmful and
detrimental for the soul so
Ill just keep on living day to
day wishing that I could find
the means to be whole
im alive but sometimes
I don't want to be because
whatever it is I cannot let go
of is so painful and it hurts
that much that I would rather
just not be here to deal with it
this darkness inside wants
to consume me and eat me
from the inside out and it feels
like I have no where to turn
every corner lurks some sort of
memory that is just best left
buried in the mud, but it still
waits for you so it can kill you
If I have ever needed God in my
life it is at this very moment
because right now things seem
so bleak and full of despair
what am I going to say to a 
creator that lets me suffer so
or has let me suffer my entire life
people say oh you have a calling 
on your life that is why you are 
going through the trials and
tribulations and that God is with
you through the whole thing
but there comes a point in your 
life where its so hard to keep
trying because you know that
so far that nothing has really 
worked out in your favor what
do you say when your heart is
turning black, what do you say
when the memories attack, what
do you say that even though
you want to with all your might
want to pray that you can't
find the right words to say
Sometimes I think that goodnes
and kindness and all that mushy
stuff is just an illusion to hide
what really lurks in the mind 
you try to smile at people but 
what your trying to give them
they don't want to see or hear
they would rather be blind to
what goes on around them
and lost to any sense of love
well even through all of this 
darkness there is a light even
if right now you can't see it
so if you feel this way I
encourage you to keep
fighting and have hope because
it will get better if you beleive
people say oh its because of your 
lifestyle and your not right with God
well I really don't have anything to
say to you because I know myself
that I have really never made peace
with God, but I don't think that God
would want someone to suffer like
the way I have my entire life
heres to a better future all we can 
do is trust God and ask him to
unharden our hearts and love
so that we may know what true love
is and that we won't have to question
what it is ever again and we will 
be at peace with God and ourselves
Oh heart of black I pray thee turn white