home

pray for me jesus because I’m empty in this house filled with chairs, everyone sit down ,everyone get up. one by one, row by row.give into me , i pray for you. it’ll be okay, all of it you’ll see, how all things must come. come to live inside of me. i played find the friend when i was little i played the piano by the time i was 18, when my life began to change into a frenzy where all of it was a little hazy. i began crying ,weeping for my mother. i wondered what she wore, how she spoke while she was at home. i wondered if she would ever know, how sick i really was. when i arrived at the station she was smiling, she had eagerness in her eyes. love was all that i heard in my mind. it was beautiful, it was terrifying. it was pure gold. i was so scared, shaking trying chase the nerves away. now as i sit AT my desk and write this song i can’t believe how pretty my nails look. they look like pure gold. glitter and dimes sparkled on my fingers. thats about all i want to think about now because before chasing and keeping up with a tortured mind never worked. i was about to callapse, and everyone must have known about it. i ran and ran and ran to a safe place but never found one. i came to god but it was a passing faze . it lasted for BOUT 2 hours. i came and wept before the lord , on my knees begging him to give me chance to be LEFT ALONE IN PEACE, AT LEAST FOR AN HOUR BUT THEY CAME TO ME ANYWAY SCREAMING, SHOUTING.  but I GOT THE ANSWER, 12 years later, the final answer. and i fought with all of my might to surrender. surrender to the place where i should have called home( mental institution) i wept before the lord and expressed to him all of my worries even though the crowds and people that i met ? THERE WAS NO ONE, I WAS ALL ALONE.. i shone like a diamond in those hours days and years. i could hear them all saying you’re going to make it out alive in my ears. i ran and i ran to a safe place where i could call home ( again mental institution) where everyone LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND CRIED ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  where i found my life calmer but it was only because i HAD TO BE NORMAL , WHATS THE MEANING OF THAT? HOW WAS IT SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER, I SAID IF NO ONE REALLY IS NORMAL I HEARD IN MY HEAD.   i was joking along with them. i was hurting myself even more. then i was really upset that rabbits were jumping and getting my attention. soft they were. just like snow or just like a soft pillow they came to me in feathers. how safe i was or was taught to believe in a place i called home, even if it was only for THE  weekend. my mother cried, and worried but it was enough! i said i needed them all to scurry and like me for who i was, but who exactly was i , i didn’t quite know. i ran AND  i ran to a safe place , that i called home. AND AS THE RAIN WILL POURED DOWN ON ME,  ON MY HEAD , DROP BY COLD DROP,IN A VERY STRANGE GARDEN.  I START TO REALIZE THAT I WAS ALREADY HOME.