I'm the Tracy to your James Bond

It still haunts me to this day
It’s not something I am proud to admit
Nor it is something I will straight out say
But sometimes these thoughts are so easy to omit

Truthfully, I sometimes question the reasons and whys
Wouldn’t you if your heart looks more like Janus
When you think something bad is gonna happen and another part of you dies
That others would find this kind of pain nothing short of heinous

Maybe, I am a fool for how much I want to believe
That is how some people see when I chose to hold on
To some, they view my unwavering faith as stupid and naïve
Like you are the chess player and I am just a pawn

I know that I do my best to be strong
Like I am James Bond, trying to show that I can take it
The reality is I feel more like Tracy and I think that is wrong
But like her I keep up a façade and do my best to fake it

I really want to believe that ‘We Have all the Time in the World’
Does that make me a little stupid to hold on to such a fantasy
That even a man like me would try keep his heart furled
Especially when things go bad and it just feels like it’s a fallacy

 I know that I do love you and that is something I hold on to
Even when I sometimes feel like you would keep me at a distance
Sometimes it would have been easy to turn away and be through with you
I just decide to stand my ground and do my best to have some resistance

Unfortunately, there is always one moment in time where I begin to waver
Where my inner fears get the best of me and I want to just end it all
It used to be a day in which the joy a living a little longer was something I could savor
Instead it just reminds me now of how easy it is to make everything shatter and fall

Instead of happiness, I find myself on guard waiting for some new pain to be unleashed
Like it’s some kind of nefarious plan by Ernst Stavro Blofeld
And I know that I am helpless to stop it as tears at me like some unholy beast
It just leaves me with the realization that all I can do is feel powerless and let my light be expelled

That is not how I want to feel, but it is something that I fight with
The fear of going through this pain again and again.
I just wish I could be happy on this day once more rather than live through this destructive pith
To feel like the man I was rather than feel like a big part of him was slain.

And it is not easy to admit that right now, as I try to find my way back
Instead of every step of the way finding the cares of the world behind us
I find myself hoping that the shell that I have been rebuilding doesn’t fall apart and crack
As much as it does pain me, I don’t think that is something we will truly discuss       

But I know that deep down, I am nothing more than the damaged Tracy to your 007
Someone who wants to feel but can’t get past the scars of what came before
While you can hide those emotions without even taking a moment to question
Something I actually admire where others would find that as something they wouldn’t care for     

The only thing I know is that I still want to be by your side even as I fight this dark feeling
Something that keeps attacking telling me that you will do the same thing over and over
While I cling on to the love that has helped me with healing
Rather than just fall back into the abyss that tries to draw me closer

All I know is that while I may be haunted by the scars that have been made
The only thing I know for certain is that I love you more than I have ever loved someone
As damaged as I feel sometimes, I know that these feelings for you have always stayed
That after all these years of going through an emotional battlefield I want to be here for the long run