Introduction of Self

Greetings. 
I know a lot of you have been asking to know more about me during my short time here...well, maybe not a lot of you, but at least none, however, I have often asked, I wonder what Matthew is really like behind those dashing good looks and impeccable writing skills...actually, I never asked that...I don't want to know me either, but I encourage all of you to follow in my footsteps and introduce yourselves on here so we can get to know each other better, and maybe we won't recieve 300 views and 1 semi-like, lol. 

First of all, I'm Amish. Not strict Amish, but I've recently transitioned from an electric razor to a straight blade, so I guess you could say I'm pretty entrenched in the Amish traditions. 
Thirdly, I'm an accountant. I stare at balance sheets and spreadsheets all day, and at the blunt end of a Colt 45 long into the night(It's part of the accountants credo). 

I have tried other vocational avenues. I was an inventor for a brief period of time, butt at an inventor's convention in Menske, after revealing, and convincing all in attendance(including Tzar Theodore and his entire family) to don my invention of virtual pants(smart, sassy, and no dry cleaning bills!), the internet went out, and I was relegated to hard labor for 16 months at a very nice Federal Dentention facility. I also invented the gas powered toaster(to save on electricity), monkey slacks, and a fern with speech capabilities, but it would only complain about how it was thirsty and that the sun was in it's eyes. Yes, it had ocular abilities, also. But these seemed to fall flat and I was shunned from the Progressive Inventors Guild(P.I.G.) for 247 years, or until my death, whichever came first. 

I attempted writing next, but had terrible trouble coming up with titles for my novels, and after all publishers panned my books, the ideas were immediately scooped up by other writers(with better titling skills) and published! I wrote: Left Fielder in the Rye, Romeo and Myrna Feldstaff, The Adventures of Kareem Abdul Finn, Alice's Adventures in South Cleveland, The Burnt Sienna Letter, The Polaroid of Dorian Gray, and Celcius 451, before hacks like Shakespeare, Salinger and Twain stole my ideas and made big names for themselves. 

As far as my love life, I have the uncanny ability to inadvertently choose women who have recently departed a long stay in a rubber room in Bellevue. Unbelievably, these same women though, have never been wrong about a single thing in their entire lives! It's truly amazing! Recently, however, I unknowingly began dating a coat tree named Ikea who sported a particularly smart Calvin Klein blazer, and although she seemed a little wooden and laconic, turned out to be the most kind and passionate of the lot. She left me one cold day for a bookshelf named Raymour A. Flanagan. 

I'm a distant relative of one Mr. Hannibal Lechter(a cousin once removed, however I was almost totally removed by him once), but I do NOT eat fava beans, so don't worry. 

I'm a relatively healthy man, although lately I have had a few maladies, including: mange, psoriasis of the kidney, cranial explosions, angoraphobia(fear of wool socks), pez dispenser neck, rickets, feline leukemia, uncontrollable giggling upon hearing the word coccyx, monkey feet, an arsenic allergy, poopypants, and nasal paralysis(which makes it terribly difficult to do bunny imitations). 

I lettered in sports at my college. I was on the Gargling Team. We beat Colgate University in the finals that year. I did my final thesis on the effects of nuclear radiation in the 21st century, and what it means for the hairstyles of the kids in 2046, and was voted Most Likely to Forget to Wear Pants to the Graduation Ceremonies...they were right. I eventually took a job as a paralegal at the Law Offices of Hinder, Hinder and Butz and fought diligently to keep The Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher, out of jail, then applied vigorouly for conjugal visits when we lost the case. 

I have an irrational fondness for felt, and wear underwear on the outside of my pants so they won't become soiled, also. And I have a PHD in mimery. 

Anyway, that's a little about me. I hope to hear a lot more about all of you soon. 

Thank you. M.