It's Not You, It's Me

It's not you, It's me
I try to get you to understand me
But I always fail, effortlessly
Because it's not you, but me
I love the way you're over protective of me
But I don't like the way I make you treat me
I just try to get you to understand me
But, still, I fail, every time completely
Because I can't get through to you clearly
I love the way you defend me
But I don't like the way I drive you crazy
Because again, it's not you, but me
There's a lot going on in my life right now
Especially with my health, but also mentally
I try so hard to do better and be better
But I fail, every. single. damn. time, miserably
Because I simply just don't know how
I don't know how to do better or be better
I grew up young, matured faster than I should have
I had to learn how to do things on my own
Life was becoming more difficult
Everyday became wishes of suicide
Visions of hanging from the window pane
I needed guidance, I needed help, 
I didn't know how to deal with the thoughts in my young brain
But ultimately I had to learn.. The hard way
And hard decisions had to be made, 
And hard lessons had to be learned, 
Respect was drilled to be given, not earned
Hard times had to be dealt with, at such a young age
And now that I'm an adult, 
I'm back in that same damn cage
It's not you, it's me, it's never been you, but always me
I'm hurt; and hurt people.. hurt people
It's not fair, but that's the way the game is played
Perhaps I'd be molded differently if, 
My mother had left, and my father had decided to stay
But in the end, neither one of them wanted me anyway
It's never been you, it's been me the whole time
I am unstable, I am mentally crippled, and physically numb
I act out, I scream, I yell, I cry and I shout
And because I'm caught up in a circle of rage
A lot of the shit I say is mean, or just violently dumb
So no baby, it's not you, it's me
I wish sometimes more than anything
To be able to let you go, to set you free
But the end result of that wouldn't be fair to you, or me
Because I am a hurt person, and yes I hurt others too
But this life I'm currently living in
Is a life too hard for me to take on, by myself
And as much as I want to say goodbye to you
I just can't, because I can't live this life without you.
It's me, not you, 
and I don't know how to stop hurting you.
With all my heart, body, and soul, I truly do love you
I want to do better and be better
But I just simply don't know what to do
If anything, I just want you to know, 
It's me… and not you.

Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025