Just once

The leaves make the beautiful crunching sound under my feet as i walk down the winding path, the leaves are all different colors the trees are all changing on there own time, some are still green like spring just started others have no leaves at all. Then there are the trees that are right on time with Autumn. The colors make the sky look different and the colorful leaves fall to the sidewalk. The leaves kiss the ground so sweetly i cant tell that they are falling but i can see ahead the the path is getting longer and that there is not a ending from where im standing. I start to walk again and the sound of the leaves beneath me makes me smile, the crunching sound starts to get louder behind me. I don't wish to turn to see whats behind me. But I take a breath and turn just enough to see a shadow lurking near by, I look out to the lake watching a reddish orange leave fall and kiss the water gently. I look straight and keep walking the curvy path. The path keeps winding and winding back and forth. I stop by an oak tree. It just started to change color, I sat on the bench below and close my eyes hoping that what lucks near is not real. I open my eyes to see my room, realizing that all of that was just a dream of peace and freedom if it was something deadly lucking near i know it is still there waiting to see if i return. My question is will i ever return to find the end of the path to see where it was going to take me, Will i ever see what was over all the beautiful trees and hills? I hope some day i will return to that place and be happy and free again. No one around to hurt you, No one there to hate you, No one there to leave you alone and heartbroken. But most of all no one there to tell you your not worth it. Because you are, Maybe i was die in my sleep and that was heaven? Do i dare test it...?? Do i dare let the sharp blade run down my wrist deep enough to die and see if that is really heaven? Do i dare for just one moment try to be the real me i want to be? No Im slipping, slipping from reality to my sweet little fairy tail. this cant be real can it? For just once in my life i want to be ok for real no fake smile no real tears of pain, no hate, no heart break. Just once can the world love and forgive and forget?