Larry’s Christmas Eve Twits

Q. What do you do if you run out of time?

A. Buy Newsweek.

Did the term “Monkey Business” originate from the poop of a chimpanzee?

When someone asks you to give them some space, does that mean they want you to buy them a star?

Isn’t it ironic that the only way a girl can get “knocked up” is to “lay down”?

Why do they never speak about the younger, stronger brother of Hercules, “Himcules”?

Q. Why couldn’t the Gambler afford meat?

A. Because the “steaks” were too high.

Why when a dog speaks, do they call it a bark?  Seems like unfair “treement” to me.

How come when you want to send something “off”, you have to put postage “on”?

Q. How do you know when a Lawyer is lying?

A. Their lips are moving.

A guy is sitting on a plane, and just before the doors close, and a stunning beautiful woman sits in the seat right next to him.  He’s thinking, “this is my lucky day”.  After takeoff, he looks over and asks where she’s headed.  She replies “Las Vegas, for a convention”.  He says, “I’m going to Las Vegas too.  What kind of convention?”  She replies, “I’m giving a speech about the research I’ve done on men’s behavioral patterns.  For instance, do you realize that Native American men make the best lovers.  Also, Jewish men are much less likely to divorce their wives.  Oh, but I’ve talked way too much about myself.  My name is Gabrielle LaPorte. What’s yours?”

He smiles and says, “my name is Tonto Schwartz”.