Larry’s Holiday Twits
If your Surgeon tells you that you need back surgery, and you are afraid to have it, tell him you’d rather have front surgery.
People from America think that people from Great Britain speak funny, and need to learn how to speak English.
If someone says they are going to “take” a shower, where are they going to go with it?
Confucious say that person who eats pineapple and beans, make fine Hawaiian music.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, not knowing that the Lone Ranger was disguised as a cigarette, shot off his butt.
Q. What is blonde, smells terrible, and is found in a secret closet?
A. The winner of the 1999 Miss Blonde Hide and Seek Contest.
If a man makes a pass at a woman, he better make sure she catches it the right way.
Q. What did Santa Claus give Rudolph for his birthday?
A. A nosegay.
Q.What did Santa give the naughty Elves for Christmas?
A. A “Coal”-ition.
A woman comes running into the lobby of a fine resort screaming, “Check me out, check me out, I wouldn’t stay here another minute.” The manager comes running out, and says “Madam, please, what is the matter?” She replies, “The men are urinating in the pool!” The manager smiles and says, “Madam, there is not a pool in this town that the men don’t urinate in”. She replies, “Yeah, but from the high diving board?”
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Comments
Well done sweetie, I like the blonde one! They were great, I needed a laugh today! Now I suppose I had better get my butt into gear and do some more!!!! You slave driver you!!!!
I love ya kiddo
G xx
Hi Dear G,
I'm in the Holiday spirit now, and my biggest desire is to make people laugh. So, you ain't seen nothing yet kiddo.
Love ya, too,
Larry xxx
Hi Larry Thank you for the laughs and smiles
I enjoyed these lots
Well done my friend
Love n hugs Debs xox
Hi Dear Debs,
Glad you laughed and smiled. I'm dedicating myself, for this Christmas season, to bring laughter into the world.
Hugs, Peace and Love,
Larry xxx
ha ha ha ha larry
Hi Greg,
Ho, ho, ho, ho Greg!
Peace and Love,
xox Larry
This is hilarious...Sweet Larry...you really made me laugh.... Thanks for making my day
Lots of love
Hi Sweet Rose,
If there is anything I look forward to, it's to making my Sweet Rose's day.
Love,
Daddio
Hey LARRY!!...... can tell you're in the holiday spirit bro!!...... felt like I was at open mike at "The Comedy Store" in L.A.........thanx form the smiles man!!.......hugs-n-kisses........T xo. ?
My Dear Brother Poet Tony,
'Tis the season to laugh and be jolly, so I'm dedicating December as "humor" month. Glad you liked it, but you ain't seen nothing yet.
Hugs and Kisses back at you,
Larry xxx
Happy Holidays Larry to you and yours. wonderful write!
Dear Lisa,
Happy Holidays to you and your family too. I've designated December as "humor" month.
Hugs, Peace and Love,
Larry xxx
George Bernard Shaw once said that England and America are two countries divided by a common language; which goes some way to explaining my use of the word cinema (instead of movie theater) in the following paragraph.
Woman seeks out the manager of her local cinema. "Excuse me! I've been in there for nearly twenty minutes, watching that movie, and I had to change seats seven times!!"
The manager, horrified, responds: "Good God madam, were you molested?!"
"I was," she says, "...EVENTUALLY!"
Nice poem, Larry.
J.
Hi Jason,
Fight fire with fire, respond to humor with humor. What a brilliantly beautiful response to my Twits. I think we have a long future in "tete a tetes"!
Peace and Love,
Larry xxx
Mmmm...
Not so sure about that, Larry. Maybe, in the name of gentlemanly decorum, we should keep our 'tetes' to ourselves. Wait...tetes means what I think it means, right?! Hang on a second...think I may be a little confused now...???
J.
Hi Jason,
Tete is the French word for head. The saying "tete a tete", means matching wits with one another.
Larry
Ahhh...
Yes...I KNOW. I'm European.
What I was doing above was simply implying (a little too subtly perhaps) that there is a graphemic similarity between 'tetes' and teste. Hence my FEIGNED (for comic purposes) confusion. It's called irony...you may have heard of it. [You see...THAT'S sarcasm!!]
J ;)
Open mouth, insert foot Larry. My faux pas. I knew you were smarter than that! And of course I know what "irony" is! That's what my wife uses to press my shirts.
Ciao for now,
Larry xxx
Oh Larry,
Don't worry about it. I've lodged my foot in my mouth so many times that I think I may have a little known disease (I just made up there now) called Cobbler's Gob.
By the way, I am NOT one of those arrogant Europeans who thinks Americans don't get irony. You just don't use it as pervasively or, frankly, as cruelly as we do; especially in Ireland.
Of course I AM one of those arrogant Europeans who's going to blame you all for the horrors that are coming over the next four to eight years (whether you voted for him or not!).
J ;)
Hi Jason,
You can't blame my wife and me for this travesty. She worked for the Hillary Clinton Campaign, and in a predominately Republican environment here in the imbecile capital of Florida, The Villages, our van had Hillary stickers everywhere. As we watched on that horrible Tuesday evening, November 8th, our disbelief grew with every passing hour. By 3 a.m. we knew it was over, and both needed barf bags. If you look at some of my Sept/Oct poems on Cosmo, you will see how violently opposed to him I was. My wife stayed in bed all day Wednesday with Trumpitis. Our dear President Obama asked us to please give Trump a chance, so in respect to Barack, I have backed off my contumely. But now I am waiting, and the first time he messes up, I'll be picking up my pen for years to come. My wife is already disgusted with the people he has appointed to his Cabinet, etc, and the actions he has taken.
Peace and Love,
Larry xxx
Larry,
Please convey my warmest regards to your good lady wife. By the sounds of it, she did a lot more to actively avert disaster than you yourself!!! Poetry and bumper stickers?!? Really??? THAT was the extent of YOUR contribution to the fight against the End of Days?! Of course I am speaking ironically...and teasing you mercilessly in the process (it's a character flaw); though DO convey my regards to your wife: it's not easy flying in the face of prevailing opinion in a close-knit community (as an atheist in a, still, largely Catholic country...I know of which I speak!).
If you'll allow me a brief digression; I think that this points to the thing which has always mystified me about American politics. Whatever the original genius of your founding fathers; the creation of an, essentially, codified two-party system should have led to a robust dialectical atmosphere which is healthy for a society and the fairest way to run a democracy. And yet, for reasons that probably say some truly depressing things about human nature, it actually led to the kind of ossified entrenchment which stultifies potentially great leaders (like Obama) and gives rise to grasping, creeping mediocrities (like too many to mention). Of course I'm not saying that this is an exclusively American problem/issue; it was Europe, after all, that gave the 20th Century some of its finest and most accomplished tyrants, most of whom were democratically elected: but what makes your country unique is the sheer HATRED that each side seems to feel for the other. Political convictions/beliefs seem to be worn as a badge of identity; in the same way that people in Northern Ireland used to (and still do, really) wear their religion and devotion to particular flags and football (soccer) teams: as the very definition of who and what they are. It's the whole notion of Red States vs. Blue States that the rest of us can't quite get our heads round.
Anyway...rant over! Once again, my regards to your wife. Tell her if the Trumpitis persists she should talk to her doctor; a course of strong antibiotics may be in order.
Good to talk to you, Larry. I'll take a look at your earlier, anti-Trump, poems.
J ;)