Letter of scuicidal sacrifice

P.S this is for the strong readers out there who are mature and has gone through simular feelings of anger and scuicide and the wait of the world all at once with no one there to help you through it. So for all who don't like strong laungudge I don't suggest reading this.

Trying to stop cutting yourself is hard.
Once you start it's hard to stop. It's like a drug.
But when you do try to stop....
You begin to feel empty inside, as far you know your unable to feel...
You cannot feel sad nor can You feel happy sure You may show it but it's all just an lie. Deep inside Your empty and afraid. Alone even.
Sometimes time even seems as if it slows down just so you can suffer even longer.
Man why can't I think strait!
I keep making bad choices as if I'm not in control up there!
For Heavens sake I almost died and I could give less of a shit!
If anything I now have more of an death wish than anything.
All that remains now is my dreams and most of them are often about death and about old faded memories of my former childhood.
I don't know how much longer I can take!
It's just to much to take in at once!!!
It's as if all this pressure is compact and is exploding inside of me!
I wish I could show how I feel deep down inside, but I wouldn't know how or where to begin! 
I'm tired of everyone and of everything, I'm tired of being made fun of and not being able to do anything about it I'm tired of the name calling I'm sick of the memeries that frighten me I'm tired of the drama why the hell cant everyone see that sometimes some people have it worse and you don't see them complaining! God and to top it all off!
I of all people keeps on being given roles rather in school or at home SHIT I just want time alone to relax get away from everyone! Do this, do that,they say!
God gave me this talent. I can just never seem to be able to say no. 
Even when shit seems really bad! Like a lot!
Then I have relationships! When I reach out to someone and they tell me they love me and I'm the dumbass to say it back.
actually believing them they fucking cheat on me or leave me call me names laugh at me! It's all bullshit if you ask me!
Now my new girlfriend witch i love and would do anything for tells me some hard shit witch is a lot to take in for fucks sakes. She knows I won't leave her! She knows she has me tripping over her! But still I have a lot going on right now and we'll now im dealing with more bullshit!
It's like I'm taking on the world alone!
I just wish there was someone to talk to about all this, someone I can trust! Who won't call DFS or try to put me in the fucking luny Ben for fucks sakes. 
And my mom wonders why I don't tell her shit! Well there's lots of fucking reasons for that! 
Hell she doesn't care for anyone but herself she can't lie through that lil fucking face of hers I lived with her my whole life I know all her tricks and phases!
The point is I have a lot inside of me and I feel like I'm going to explode I have so many things I know about myself that my own mother doesn't know!
I have alexithymia and I have a certain kind of cancer il admit it's fucking hard to hold all this in hell Im bisexual and no one knows hell I used to blame me for my dad leaving man do I miss him!
The other thing iv been keeping in is that iv been cutting myself for years now! 
I didn't just start! Iv been doing this for a while!
My mom didn't even know that I was being beat!
I'd hide the bruises where she wouldn't see.
I knew that I was a burden she had to take on so I didn't want her to know all this as well so I kept it inside myself.
She also doesn't know everything about what went on in that juvenile place (asylum) way back when!
I miss cutting myself a whole lot! I don't know if I can do this!
I'm fucking sick of being hollow I'm fucking tired of living a lie I'm tired of telling people I'm okay or I'm fine or faking a smile and laughing ‪24/7‬ I'm tired of trying to be social when all I want to be is alone!
I'm sick of going to school every day and being called a douche bag or retarted because of my disabilities or because I don't have much friends!
I will admit I hate my past it's dark and Grimm...
Thats why I live in the present like a puppet with no feelings I lie a lot even to my girlfriend!
I don't know if I can stop I wish I could just die and get it over with!
Maybe if I put this in poem form your understand how hard it is to stop.
Some call it crazy
Some say it's sick
But I think it's freedom
The pain is fierce but quick
Some say that it's a sin
Just a little to risky
But it helps release the pain
That I go through every day
The blade is sharp and cold
As it runs across my skin
Leaving me to ponder
And decide how deep I cut in
The icy chill running down my spine
Makes me feel at ease
I no longer feel like a coward
F**king up on everything with every breath I breathe
But some days I want to stop
Feeling like everything's wrong
Trying to let go of the blade
Sometimes I can but not for long
It's like I'm addicted to the pain
The feeling taking refuge in my veins
Leaving me feeling confused and alone
Wiping at the streaked tears that seem to be stained
Burned into my skin forever
Becoming a part that I cannot escape
Sometimes I just want to hurt all over
To scream at the top of my lungs until they break
I want to escape from my sadness 
It's taking over me
Why can't I just rest
Why won't it let me be
I just want to be free

Consider yourself trying to stop smoking or try to stop drinking it's not easy is it!
I feel like crying every second of the day I'm not joking but when I try to except these tears they never come.
I try to write a lot of twisted poems I also write a lot of stories but that's just not enough!
Picture this as on my point of view everyday.
Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear 'normal'
In some sort of way.
It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn't be here now
If guilt would leave me be
I know there's been many
Who've had it worse than I
But that doesn't always mean
That I wouldn't say good-bye
People say I have a lot going for me
I'm sorry, but I just can't see
I can't see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.
Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I'm nothing if I'm not up or down
I'm nothing if just 'me.'
Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I'm made of lead.
Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It's hard to focus on the poor.
Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It's hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.
I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can't do anything right.
This is how I've felt my whole dang life
It didn't just start last night.
No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to 'sit tight
.' Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.
The point is I can't do this without you or someone to hold me close!
Otherwise I would just sit in the corner and be alone!
Like I am now and will most likely forever will be!
I don't need much just to know your there! I don't need no dumb dirty talk or someone to tell me I'm sexy or hot that doesn't appeal to me I'm sorry to tell you that!
Do I like it yes. but not always sometimes I just like to here those 8 letters in that 3 word sentence "I Love You" I don't want it from anyone else but you because il know that it would just be that 8 letter word "bullshit" but I know when you say it that it's true.