L.I.F.E Chapter 1 Reflection

REFLECTION
Looking Internally For Explanations as to why my life had fallen apart
Consumed with anger as to why my head had betrayed my heart
Searching for the rationale behind this wicked spell
Which had disintegrated my life and made it shear hell
I was provided with the ingredients it took to be great
But if it was meant to be crooked, I would try to make it straight
You see I had to be different just to prove to myself
That I wasn’t the same as the other books on the shelf
Immensely frustrated, I was far from elated
That I was living in this manner that I had preached that I’d hated
But what should I do and where should I turn
To extinguish this fire that would continually burn
I was comforted greatly by all the bad things in life
Which ultimately created such trouble and strife
Alcohol, drugs, gambling and smokes
Had killed my ambition, I was nothing but a hoax
The depression was intense as I had long stopped believing
In all the great feats that I’d hoped of achieving
Who was I now and who had I been
Where was this young boy ambitious and keen
I was riddled with problems, my life was a mess
With only sporadic enjoyment scattered amongst stress
Reluctantly reflecting at the life I had led
Lucky not to be in jail, luckier not to be dead
On my face was a smile whilst my heart donned a frown
Upon the blunt realisation how bad I’d let myself down
Like natures great waterfalls flowed tears from my Mother
Upon flagrant betrayal of a son and a brother
Echoes in my ears from my father who cussed
That I was now someone he just couldn’t trust
Hurting the people that had loved me most dearly, understood my most clearly
The pain was overwhelming and I mean that sincerely
So many of life’s temptations I swore never to try
Were to blame for my misery and the tears I would cry
Addictions were only something I had read about in books
Or were seen to be vices from televisions crooks
Yeah, I’m a dope smoker, I play pokies and poker
And when I’m on the piss I’m still not a bad joker
Thinking surely these activities aren’t too much of a crime
But I’m doing all of them intensely, all of the time
A pill and a joint and a bottle of grog
A few lines and a few fags, now I feel like top dog
Take off to the casino or the pub for a gamble
My brain would accelerate but my body would just amble
I can’t feel any pain now as my brains doing flips
As I thrust another joint between these addicted old lips
Being aware all along what I was doing was wrong
But there’s no doing battle against addiction so strong
The battle alone to portray that I was stable
Whilst looking quite blankly at some cards on the table
The most laughable thing which is far from being funny
Is embracing the thought I wasn’t gambling just money
Just what would it take to fix this mistake
And fix all the fuckups I’d continually make
But nothings a problem when you’re high as a kite
Why bother to worry, why bother to fight
Reality would still be waiting tomorrow
To punch me like a boxer with a fistful of sorrow
I’d start to feel sickly as I’d come down quite quickly
Saying to myself “never again” rather strictly
The words didn’t mean anything, I wasn’t in control
I would take a bet from the devil and gamble my soul
Not a cent in my pocket and a fucken sore head
Coupled with the blunt realisation I’d be better off dead
It would all go away then, the stress and the worry
And I wouldn’t have to be there to tell all I’m sorry
The anxiety was awful as I was still coming down
I was no longer sparkling like a jewel in a crown
The ferocity of the words as they’re screaming out “try me”
As the world and it’s entirety is passing right by me
The pain from the gambling, I needed more drugs
I would feel better with the hole in my soul that it plugs
This merry go round you can’t get off once you’re on
Do I still have passion for living or has it all gone
How do I fix all I’ve done which is wrong
Can it still actually be done or have I waited too long
All that I know is that I am desperate and sad
And that these thoughts in my head are driving me mad
I must make things better, but where do I start
I must consciously synchronise my head and my heart
What sort of formula do I need to heal
I’ve woken up in dreamland, now its time to feel real
I need to overcome all the anger and guilt
And discover what’s required to have mind and body rebuilt
Some days I’m a legend, just the consummate master
Other days I’m a mess, just an absolute disaster
All the abuse taking place it distorts what you see
To the point where the reflection in the mirror isn’t me
I would like to be different, I would like to change
But adopting new habits seems so foreign, so strange
If I could only escape to a safe tranquil place
New feelings to cherish and new thoughts to embrace
Where there is no booze or drugs or gambling machines
And find out what living a normal life really means
Upon my reflection I could blatantly see
If I wanted to be free I had to be happy being me
It’s a monumental challenge being happy in your skin
Especially with demons dancing deeply within
If I was going to find out what its really like to live
There was someone significant I had to forgive
It didn’t take long to work out who it could be
It wasn’t any family or friends or anyone, it was me
Forgiving myself for things which occurred in my past
Is as difficult as trying to sail a ship with no mast
If someone somewhere could come near to help me get through
But I need to do this myself and this I now knew
I needed confident humility but where could I find it
I received life’s new contract but I hadn’t yet signed it
If something new has to start, then this has to finish
But my bad thoughts got stronger, they just didn’t diminish
I felt like a gladiator fighting in Rome
And if I conquer my rival I can make my way home
If I put everything into it my heart, body and soul
Could I find a big enough shovel to dig myself out of this hole
I needed to be strong and I needed to be humble
And that it wasn’t going to be easy, there will be the odd stumble
I was now feeling optimistic, I could really start fighting
My thoughts were now that Life Is Frightfully Exciting