L.I.F.E Chapter 3 Betrayal

BETRAYAL
Life Is Forever Empowering when you overcome failings and conquer your fears
And move forward through the tears to be excited for future years
New found possibilities appear in front of you and present a wealth of new options
What shuns the negativity is a cocktail of positive concoctions
There’s an air of nonchalance and optimism as you get on board this new ship to sail
And inhale life’s new air but aware of relapse and self betrayal
There’s a swagger in your step as you start to break some new ground
And enjoy the mental and emotional freedom and with it the joy you have found
Undertake new habits and develop new routines
Just call me Jack embracing possibility of seeing the bi product of his beans
Looking in retrospect at the certain things that I had done
Still fiercely bitter about the war that addiction and ill discipline had previously won
Negativity refuted I’m a new computer rebooted with life’s new disc inserted
And looking over at addiction, mental illness and ill discipline who felt abandoned and deserted
It was tough to say goodbye to these friends of years gone by
But they were off to continue haunting others since I was giving them no reply
Even though this new life was great it was very monotonous and boring
And the inner risk taking man inside me was fast asleep loudly snoring
I couldn’t go to see usual friends and frequent old hangouts and places
No more liasing with well known faces and contorting my mind into tight spaces
I knew I needed to embrace sobriety and contribute to society
But this new found supposed good life was distinctly lacking in variety
I didn’t want to feel like this but who would I ask for help
I felt like a pursued seal hiding traumatically amongst the kelp
I couldn’t stop thinking about my disastrous old habits
And the reoccurring thoughts of the old days were breeding like rabbits
I needed that layer of protection from life, intoxication made things less raw
I suffered blow after blow from these thoughts boxing me and was now on the floor
The referee was counting and was fast approaching ten
But I knew I couldn’t give up I had to get up and start fighting again
And as I was lying there in the ring I could here noises from each corner
Some were sarcastic laughter others were cries like a sadness riddled funeral mourner
Should I get up and fight or should I just chill and stay down
Was I the ringmaster in my own circus or was I just the foolish clown
I needed a magic wand to make this all go away
And delay this mental boxing match until another fateful day
I found the strength to get up and keep fighting but I sure took a beating
And was fearful of this magnificent fighter that I was told I would keep meeting
I had made it to the end and I knew I hadn’t won
And I was daunted by the prospect that my fighting career had only just begun
The awful thoughts and feelings just keep haunting me, they just would not relent
The message sent was look out and I knew that it was meant
Who could I talk to and even then what would I say
To make people understand that I thought in such a weird way
No one understands me and frankly who would really care
Would I dare find repair to this anxiety and fear
The most frustrating thing about this evil musician I would hear sing
Is that he reminded me this was only one day and that giving in would reign king
So that meant I had to wake up and go through all of this again tomorrow
I cried deep inside and was riddled with sorrow
Instead of feeling miserable I usually had the plan
Of venturing to my usual gambling spots or contacting my dealer man
But that would mean losing and choosing to start boozing
And turn off my life’s alarm clock completely instead of asking it to keep snoozing
My family who believed in me would be so bitterly disappointed
At the disjointed way of having this fresh new approach anointed
How was I going to find the energy to keep fighting in this way
Each day, all work no play letting fun and spontaneity get on their merry way
All the voices in my head talking so loudly it was awful
Some had some pretty good comments to make others wanted me to say and do things unlawful
There were thoughts of revisiting my old habits as Mr Addiction dangled a carrot
Polly want some drugs, Polly want some gambling would be repeated by the ill discipline parrot
Ok, ok, I would say, just all of you go away
Don’t ever come back please let peace and tranquility enter the fray
I was well atop the tightrope walking dangerously and would I stumble and fall
But the safety net of old habits would be there to alleviate my drug and alcohol withdrawal
I would just go back to the routines of yester year with old habits to resume
And get as much gambling, drugs and alcohol that I could ever possibly consume
It would provide a certain numbness that would stop the internal conflict and the worry
And all I had to do was tell everybody who believed in me that I was truly sorry
Next time I will try harder I will tell them, and just keep doing what I do
And just deal with the fact of failing again that stuck to me like glue
I was never strong enough to deal with this anyway, never had the tools to cope
And if it got too bad to handle I could just find a rafter and some rope
Life was too bright I needed mental sunglasses so I could tolerate and handle it
And the intoxicating offer of a dinner from addiction was both romantic and candle lit
I just had to face up to everyone and tell them I had let them down again
If addiction and ill disciplne was to be Barbie I was more than happy to play Ken
What about all the ambitions I had and the dreams I wanted to achieve
I just had to tell myself and others not to be so damn naïve
It was easier to give in and let something else take full control
Than continually walking the bridge of life worrying about being confronted by the addiction troll
I would worry about it all tomorrow but as we know tomorrow never comes
Instead of living in my mental palace I would be banished deep into the slums
Where’s the easiest pub to get to and where can I get some money
I need my milk and honey and to laugh at what’s not funny
I would get in touch with my dealer again and ask him for some drugs, I would do them to utmost excess
And get back on the addiction horse but knowing that very sadly, Lying Inside Fuels Emptiness