Living My Life

Living My Life

Still amazed after all these years.
Still possessed by self- doubt and fears
Still struggling to cope
With what is in truth quite an easy life.
I have no wife and am responsible
For no children.

Yet any time I try to rest
The house turns into a mess:
A build up of dirty plates and cutlery,
A build up of dirty clothes.
Bins needing emptying.
I’m amazed at how quickly this happens.

Something inside me tells me
That in life I need permission
That I cannot make
An independent decision.
And so I cling.

I cling to people who seem wise
And to scenarios I do not always like
Perhaps just because they provide me
With a structure I need
And it’s off these things and people
I feed.

I drifted from school into employment,
From work I gained limited enjoymemt.
I saw it as a stop- gap to something better
But never sought what that "something" was.

And it’s not that I’ve never escaped
My mother’s clutches,
Rather that I’ve never let go
Lacking confidence,
Or perhaps just drive.
Afraid perhaps to grow.

Perhaps all of us make assumptions
of how we should live our lives:
Whether to stay single
(Does this mean being free?)
Or whether to find a husband or wife.
Is it a conscious decision?

Switched off.
Sometimes when it is too late
I realise that I’ve made a mistake
Bankrupted myself.  Crashed the car.
An epileptic seizure
Leaving a scar.
A deadline missed at work 
Or Annual Leave not taken.

I doubt that I will leave an heir
And perhaps innately I do not care:
I’m a single man, living alone
Frequently struggling to cope.

If I reach eighty will I look back
And see I put my life on hold
Never seizing opportunities
And then finding too late
That I'm too old?

MDC.  Copyright.