Living Rent Free

I've been living rent free inside of my head
Wishing I could take back things that I've ever said
Living in a head full of tainted hope
Tears falling from eyes that should be completely dried
Tears falling and landing on my chest
I can see my heart beating through my shirt
So how am I alive but feeling so dead inside?
I can be sweet, I can be mean 
Unfortunately, there's hardly ever an in between
I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it
I'm falling apart at every crevice and seam
Or so it ultimately seems
I'm a people pleaser but I'm not pleasing too well
Disassociating myself from everything
Including myself just to avoid this hell
Some people think I'm a hero
But truth be told, I'm the worst kind of villain
I can make you smile and then make you cry
I just want to be treated like any other civilian
I am after all, a human being, a citizen
Living rent free inside of my own mind
Wishing more than anything 
To take back anything and everything 
I've ever said that wasn't so nice, or so kind
Losing hope and barely hanging on to faith
Strong willed, strong attitude
But a weak heart and a spineless spine
Will I ever redeem myself?
Is it too late for me to claim insanity?
I'm here but then I'm not 
I can see you, while you see through me
I'm not entitled but I have such nerve
I'm not entitled but I have such audacity
I'm reaching my limits with these demons
I'm so close to reaching the max capacity
Living rent free in my head
Living rent free in my mind
Living rent free in a soul I wish wasn't mine
They say things get better within time
Well it's been forever and a day
And here I am still hanging on by a thread
All because I can't break free
I can't let loose of what's controlling me
Because I've been living inside of my head
And I've been living there rent free.

Stephanie A. Ludwig
05/18/2025