Long and mental.

Counting how long I’ve had this sickness for

Calculated 8 years, 8 years maybe more

I remember the first time this sickness made me cry

I also remember the first time that I had prayed to die

I remember waking up in a hospital bed

I woke up in tears because I was still not dead

I remember Nick, the first love of my life

He almost never dated me because he knew about my knife

He knew about the cuts and scars and the bruises too

He said Caitlin if this happens again, I’ll be completely
done with you

So instead I just cut where he couldn’t see,

I cut my tummy, shoulders, and in desperate times my knee

Lost my virginity to him in an unusual way,

We were in the disabled toilets, and it was fun to play

I didn’t know what to do and I was really scared,

I didn’t know what I was doing and I wasn’t quite prepared

All my clothes had to go, but my boots they got to stay

He didn't know where to put it so I had to point the way

I remember one month later, my best friend passed away

I lied to all my friends about what happened I didn’t know what
to say

But truth is really, I didn't want anybody to know,

That I was on the phone to him at that moment, his death was
very slow

In the background I heard a women tell a man that jarryed had
passed away

Why did he have to leave this world, I wanted him to stay

NO! I screamed, it could never be true,

He would never leave me; I was his best friend too

I punched my pretty face of course and don't forget my head

I felt the bruises coming and saw myself turn red,

I collapsed to the floor and then I started to weep

I then picked up my razor blade and cut it down so deep

Nick had decided popularity was the way of life

He had left me all alone; my best friend became a knife

I had just lost all my friends for a rumour that was not true

They kept on repeating to me “You’re a thief and liar this info
isn't new"

I remember year 9 and finally being thin

Anything edible I was given was thrown straight to the bin

Throwing up, exercise and fasting for days on end

It's safe to say in those days diet pills were my only friend

Over the years I got abused by 50 chicks’s maybe more

I guess they were jealous guys always spoke to me but it's
obvious a whore

I don't know why I didn't fight, why I had to run away

Maybe if I fought back then I wouldn’t be scared today

Then during the last semester of school I thought it would be
fun

To drink until my liver died, after 3 months I was done

The stupid fat teacher told me to get out of room

The principal called my parents and I was grounded till like
June

Boy was I in trouble, but it was obvious I didn't care.

Because it's not like me getting in trouble was rare

A thought of Beau was constant, 4 years on my mind

We started off as best friends because he was so very kind

Although our friendship ended, because an important promise to
him was broke

I wrote him a letter, the length of a short book, took him a
while to reply, then finally he spoke

He had forgiven everything, and all the wrong I did, 

He had chosen to take me back, but when he was around I still
hid,

I didn't want to lose him again by making some mistake

So I just sat in the corner stuffing my face with cake

Also covering the healing wound of beau cut through my arm

If he saw it he would leave and I would've caused myself more
harm.

But all worked out from that day there wasn't any fights

It actually worked out so well, we turned out all the lights

Year 5 it begun, my friendship with this bitch,

She is an amazing person, but she would always ditch,

She left me oh so constantly my heart would often tear

I very often wondered did she really care.

I thought by now I would no longer need to see her cry

I don't know how to make her feel better but I swear I will
always try

She is very beautiful I love this girl to bits

She always makes me smile and laughs when I’m a ditz

Back in those days we made some decisions that were not very
clever

But oh well who cares, were Caty and Jess against the world
forever

Then along came Sami, She is my favourite little girl

She is very pretty but its funny watching her hurl,

We started off as enemies, but soon after repaired

Until she starting dating my ex, for that I wasn't prepared

I did everything I could to ruin what they had

Only because I felt really betrayed, and I was really sad

Since that fight there have been many, but we will always stay
the same

Were best friends for life and death, well that will be my aim

I still regret the chroming, man I was so dumb

I really think I should have stuck to vodka and some rum

Lost half my brain cells and made my parents mad

Seemed like a good idea because I was just so sad.

I wanted to forget the shit that goes through my head

Instead I forgot everything, I nearly ended up dead

But losing my dear Sami, got me resisting the drug

Once she found out I quit it I got a massive hug

I found the girl I wanted to be, she was a massive slut

She did some terrible things, like giving me a mullet cut

We ran away from home and our parents were very scared

I guess at this moment I found out who in my life truly cared.

Fuck who my friends were and fuck who they are,

The only thing I want to do is fuck him in a car,

But as he thinks I act like I am at age two, He won’t get in my
pants

He seems to think he can change me, what’s next breast implants?

I've changed myself for every boy year after year, can't I take
a break?

I don't want people telling me who to be, I no longer want to be
fake

Sex, drugs and booze have been my life for the past 4 years,

They were the 3 things I did a lot, in order to stop the tears.

I think the only memory I truly want to forget would be the love
of my life,

He destroyed every part of me; I went back to using a knife

I fell in love with his smile, and his gentle tender touch

But when we started fighting the yelling got too much

I cried out loud and cut so deep and ran right out that door,

You ran quickly after me then walked me back for more,

I am still shattered but after 8 years I have learnt to deal
with pain

I'm also learning to deal with the face that I am clinically
insane

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