Longing

I awake, for the I don't know what numbered time tonight, thinking of him.
How could this be? As I get up to stumble to the bathroom, I realize I have the phone in my hand.
I never used this thing regularly before, and yet now it has become like another digit on my hand. It is always there.
My heart wills it to ring and have his voice in my ear. Please ring. Please be him. It is silent.

Its all because of him, this beautiful, wonderful knight in shining helm, that I have never even met,
that I am so confused, giddy and melancholy, butterflies and fire, all at once...yet not confused, as I know what I want. He fulfills me.
I don't know him, and yet I do I know him as his words I see on this square box of technology revealing his soul
Have quickly bored their way into the very depths of my heart...that place where I thought no one would ever go again.
He is there, and removing him from that spot would be like ripping a huge hole in myself, from which I would bleed for the last time
because of his absence.  He is an integral part of me, our souls deeply entwined within, yet we have never touched.

How can it be that as I go thru my daily routine, I find myself drowning in thoughts of him.  As I pass, or turn,
I see his image in this box of bits and bytes, and dive deeply into those gorgeous ocean-like eyes that I long to have blink for me.
I reach out my hand and place it on his on the screen, hoping to somehow morph into the electricity of it all
And find myself deep in his embrace.  It is warm and inviting, even here on this box, but I realize then, that it is just the image, and I am alone.
Where is the reality? I want it so! Baby, I miss you, I read these words on the screen, and realize this time I have written them.
I console myself with thoughts that half way around the world and the clock he is just working, busy tending to the things that are
His life, having just arrived on the wing a few hours before and finding his care was needed. He will call, when he can.  Why not now?

I long to trust again, and at the same time I find that I do.  It is terribly scary, this feeling.  He tells me that I am a part of him now,
And that he will never let me go.  Do I dare to let myself go completely? Can I risk it? Can I heal the old wounds and begin again?
I find myself at my desk, with his image beside me, time and distance cruelly separating our love, and realize there is a voice, my voice,
asking this question aloud to myself.  Can I do it?  And with those words said and heard, I find that I already have.
I long for you, my Dearest Steven... heart, body, and soul. You take my breath away, even from this pixel portrait in a box.  I surf thru pages while working
and find myself suddenly with you there in front of me. I cannot help but smile from the very depths of my being.  My heart stops.
I am totally absorbed in you, yet still totally myself.  How is this possible?

As you are, yourself, there on the other side of the world.  You go about your daily tasks, building the life you say will be ours.  Can I trust you?  I do.
You say you will share everything, even the most precious part of you, with me - for life.  Lovely Christina, your daughter, waits for you too.  I long to hold her,
play games with her, help her become the best she can be, while we are both by your side. You, and she, are the pieces of my puzzle that have been missing,
that I have searched and longed for to complete me.  How could I be so blessed, and feel so longingly alone?  Can I trust you?  I do.  
Will I ever say those words again?  I do....Such small words, yet they mean so much.  Do I - really? I do.... Unbelievably, undeniably, I do.

The phone rings, and I snap back to reality, dreaming of you, hoping for us. It is not you, but work, and I must tend to it.  So here I am, Darling,
selling odd bobbles to ordinary people around this country, trying to make a living, and dreaming of you.

Baby, I miss you.  Please ring.  Hi this is Cindy, May I have your first item number?...... I wonder if they can hear it in my voice...

Longing.