Losing yourself

Don’t even look in the mirror you don’t want to see your own reflection,
 Don’t want to get close to anyone too afraid of the constant rejection.
Running from the constant pain and tormented by your past mistakes,
Constantly on you knees praying it will all just go away.
 What happened to this girl I use to know, where did she even go,
How has this endless high faded away so quickly and now I feel so low.
A smile so bright it could light up a room,
Where is the girl that everyone loved and knew?
I use to smile so much I always use to laugh,
But that girl has disappeared that girl is in the past.
No one could stand to see me happy, so they sucked it all away,
Now I’m constantly on my knees all I do is pray,
Asking God to change my heart and bring back the old days,
To take this coldness from me and make it all ok.
Sometimes when I look at myself I just sit there, and I cry,
I don’t even know who I am anyone I’ve been overtaken by this thing we all call life.
People see beauty on the outside, but a heart that’s so confused,
They look and see all the pain, tears and all of the abuse.
All the situations that got me to this point in time,
All the things god tried to protect me from all the obvious signs.
Don’t even know what or who I’m interested in,
Don’t even know where to start looking or even where to begin.
So busy judging others for how they looked not for what’s inside their heart,
Quick to end someone’s dream for me before it could even start.
Wishing I could go back and see a better me,
To be the girl that god wanted and needed me to be.
I know I’ve lost myself, I don’t even know my identity,
Don’t know what it even feels like to just be me,
So, I try to rethink, regroup and I pray to just have peace,
 I pray to find that girl that took the wrong path, and I pray for serenity.
Filled with so much anger, I explode off the simplest things,
Sometimes my mind is so filled with fear, and chaos that I can’t even think straight.
When you lose yourself, it takes forever to get it back,
Your constantly battling thoughts in your mind, constantly under attack.
So many people have hurt me so bad, so many have torn me down,
So many times, I was screaming but nobody could hear a sound.
The damage is done, the scars are forever,
 Even With a simple touch I still bleed, even stitches can’t hold my wounds together.
Covering them up with bad habits and bandages,
Hoping that everything that’s bottled up will disappear and vanish.
Now my cup has overflown I feel I barely even manage,
They took my kindness for weakness, left me with all the damage.
I can see that girl I lost far off in the distance,
 she’s staring back at me arms open wide, waiting for me to fix it.
Our finger tips are almost touching but I just can’t reach her hand,
Smothered by the deadly fumes from my life’s outcomes,
Not even with my pump can I breathe, my heart skips a beat like a broken drum.
Life is not always easy, no it’s not always pretty,
The picture we paint can’t sometimes be painted so unclearly.
Losing your way doesn’t always mean you can’t be found,
 It just means that you’ve hit rock bottom and finally fallen down.
Getting back up takes courage, yes it takes a lot of faith,
Just because you’ve fallen doesn’t mean you have to stay.
Every road has its own love story its about which one we take.
How will you ever find the girl you’ve never known,
If you don’t let go of the fly high with the wings never flown.
Letting people tear you down, you start to believe what they say is true,
You start to question your own self and purpose and start to think it’s you.
Life can really break you down and change you and you never had a clue.
Falling on the concreate,
Paralyzed by the unseen,
Foot still on the gas but the cars in reverse, the songs stuck on repeat.
They want you to be break because they think your weak, but your way to strong to claim defeat.
Fighting for yourself, trying to protect your heart,
Standing in your own shadow while they continue to rip you apart.
Playing this spiritual game over and over,
Repeatedly searching for yourself, always looking over your shoulder
 It’s crazy because Hearts are like cards, you never know which one to play,
You give you take, we bend but still break, but you learn and take more wisdom with you along the way.
Open a million doors and don’t like what’s on the other side,
Push our own selves away sitting high wrapped up in our own guilt and pride.
Afraid to release what’s holding us back from our dreams,
Afraid to take help from others and be a part of a team.
Sometimes what we really needed was right there all along,
Lost deep inside of us, waiting for us to correct our wrongs.
Like the first harmony in a duet or the last verse of a song,
Hand in hand with your inner self was right where you belong.
Forgiving and fighting for peace and your life back is not a task,
 But the reward found in the end of the race, is worth seeing your face without a mask.
All the beauty that was hiding beneath the surface,
Shines so bright now the freedom is worth it.