Poem -
Making Ripples...
So did we ever
Walk together
Through air...side by side
Fused atoms...connected...
To live and reside
On earth then, in the physical
Under canopies of thrill
Making breath for the trees,
making ripples in breeze
And were we ever... so real...
In reality's realm, for I
question it now It seems
faded somehow
And am I... so real...
That the grass hurts my feet,
that the air chokes me up, that
the flowers ...they bleat...
For is anything real, is it real
where you are, are you still
truly...you...
Can I trust... the death star...
I miss you
M P 30/6/21
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Comments
I was looking at a painting on the wall in my doctor's office the other day. At first it just looked like an abstract splash... then I realised it was of a beach... then noticed two smears of colour, faintly rendered figures hardly noticible walking along the beach like ghosts.
And I thought, aren't memories the craziest thing... and I looked at the chair under the painting and realised that one day in the not so distant future, maybe 25 years max, that painting and that chair won't be there. What I was experiencing in time felt solid and grounding, but I was acutely aware that the whole scene would fade into a memory of sitting in that doctor's office and no longer have materiality.
And then I looked at the abstract traces of people on the beach and thought of my own beach memories, particularly one with my son.
Then I reflected on how much he has changed. I no longer have access/contact with him as his mother has withheld him overseas. So, it is like a death. I have moments where the grief gets stirred up again like a deep ocean welling up into a tsunami of bitter tears together with that uncontrolable howling storm of moans. But mostly, I let go and trust he is in a place he needs to be, that he has good days and is finding himself.
I know it isn't the same. But we all have our seperate journeys and some spend more terrestrial time on earth as part of that while others carry on their journey's elsewhere.
❤
Al, thankyou for taking the time to compose such a deep and meaningful reply. It made me cry. I am deeply sorry for your loss my friend and I can only imagine the pain of not knowing your son on a daily basis, it must be horrendous. Yes, we all have our griefs and I truly hope that you in time are blessed with a closer relationship with your son...I truly wish this for you...don't let go of hope. Yes, we all have our griefs and in the before time, I...like you, could rationalise. I can no longer rationalise or accept even though I am powerless to do anything else. I miss him. My son, my soul mate, life companion and best friend. The third of a whole, the chasm left is too great to negotiate. But missing aside...loss that cuts so deep opens a Pandora's box. I have questions now that I cannot make peace with. I am tormented, consumed. Is eternal consciousness the same as earthly identity because if not I will never know him again as who he was in life. Am I still his 'mother'. WHERE is he?? Is he ok? Does he even exist in any form now. Will I go to the same place? Does reincarnation exist...as a strong believer previously I now am appalled at the idea. I look at photos and the realisation that this beautiful physical person will never ever ever exist again in exactly the same way....floors me. He does not exist...this rips me apart, again and again and again!! Does god exist? Does god not exist...and if he does, why give us feelings that can destroy us. I don't believe in the whole lessons learned thing. Or that we are here to get grow. Sometimes I think if there is a god he is cruel. Other times I think we are just an experiment being laughed at by some higher powers. Regardless, I don't want to play anymore...I can see no point to this whole life death thing. I cannot find peace or place my son anywhere I am happy for him to be. He is lost...lost to life...lost to us, and I need to find him...hugs to you lovely man, sorry for the ramble 💜
Sorry took a while to get to this.
Yes. And yes. All of that is valid.
The only thing certain is change.
Even if he were alive in the flesh he would have changed and you would have changed. The only difference would be that you would have changed together. You would have more shared experiences. Instead, he is experiencing something entirely other. I hope there will be a moment and mode where your consciousness and his will cross paths again, recognise something familiar, and exchange stories (even if not with words).
Life is a mystery. My mum is now deteriorating with alzeimers. It has raised a lot of existential questions for me too. But I am learning that even as her mind shrinks back and memories vanish, there remains a "familiar spirit" there. I sense her. I know her. Even as she reverts through decades in rewind to her childhood. I still feel her spirit, and I know that even when she forgets my name she also is acutely aware that I am a friend along her path.
At some point, I had to let go of my need to control her destiny and my deep desire to zealously keep her as a planet in my solar system with all the gravity she once swayed.
My centre of gravity remains in God, even though I go through the motions and get seriously pissed off with the excruciating inconvenience of having to recallibrate the ballance and spin a bit differently, as internally tectonic plates tear apart, volcanoes burst open from the deep and seasons go crazy and unpredictable during the inertia.
Shalom. Hugs.
Thanks for being vulnerable with us Marion. We love you! ❤
Sorry for such late reply Al...I get what you are saying. I am so sorry about your mam...dementia is horrible...it is a terrific loss. You are a lovely lovely man for taking the time to try to ease my concerns whilst king through your own traumas in life. I know what you mean about familiarity of spirit but I stl don't reckon I will ever come to terms or make peace with it. I'm haunted by the loss of him. Anyway, a zillion hugs to you lovely man 🤗🤗🤗
Awwwww (((❤️❤️❤️)))🌹
Grief takes us down some dark reflective paths. I sense the aching need for something of substance to link the two worlds together. To just finally know. Hugs, I feel every ounce of your pain 💗 xx
I know you do and that makes me cry also Gwen ...WTF is it all for 💔💔💔
I does take you down that road of WTF?? I mean it really can feel just plain dam cruel 💗💗💗
And yes...WTF IS it all.for...srill pondering! Catching up love...be in touch soon 💞💞
Perfectly interpretated Gwen, yes...a bridge...hugs to you love XXX