My friend; Lonely.

I think most people underestimate the value of being alone. I did.
I was afraid. alone was like cyanide to my already fleeting happiness; it was a crushing concept. I remember approaching the idea. uncertain. afraid.
for a while.
 I knew insanity.
Days spent wading through tired misery.
vicious anxiety; my own sad symphony.
coming from a catastrophe of broken strings and bent French horns.
the sound of madness. But without the happy hares and tea parties.
instead there was only the threat of the coming dark; when the moon took over and I must have cried as many tears as stars flecked the sky each and every night
screaming into the emptiness
for life
for death
for release
for him
for help
for anyone at all to hear me.

but nobody ever did.
nobody but the lonliness.

it embraced me and held me tightly in its cold arms
when I begged for death it insisted that I live
it needed me; i needed it. I didnt know it yet.
after each and every bone shattering heart break
it receded with me as I licked my wounds
and promised me,
that even when everyone else forgot, and left me behind
it would not.

time and time again I found it waiting for me
like an old friend in a beloved treehouse
it offered me books to silence my mind; guided me to pen and paper when I needed release
i was afraid
i was afraid of the crushing weight of an empty room and the grim nights spent tossing and turning
but I was not afraid of the lonliness
no I was just afraid of myself.
i was afraid of confronting the person in the mirror who's face was not my own
who's thoughts were foreign to me.
i was afraid to be alone with that person
for to long
i was afraid i wouldnt like who I was pretending to be.

but I needed the lonliness.
to show me who I am.