Not Happy Here

Sometimes, somewhens, I can be happy.
So long ago, any time ago,
I could have been with her. 
I regret something more than all else,
something that was in my control,
something I could have done,
even if it didn't change the world,
didn't change the end of the story...
I wish I had spent more time with her.
I wish I had seen my folly and spent every second,
every waking hour with her.
I have so many memories, but they too
are not enough. Not enough,
to make up for the lifetime we would've had.
So many dreams we shared, 
so many days and nights,
we planned and planned,
our lives together...
She picked out her dress already,
I knew our children's names by heart,
I knew where the honeymoon would be,
even though I wouldn't tell her...
We wknew how we would grow old,
gray and wrinkled together,
watch our grandchildren, greatgrandchildren,
together, until we turned to dust together.
And even then, eternity together.
She made me believe,
want to believe, that maybe life would be okay,
between us, life would go as planned.
And even if it hadn't, 
We could handle it together.
No matter what our story unraveled to...
Even If our first came earlier than expected,
even if I became a stay at home husband,
if one of us was injured,
if one of us worked abroad,
those lives would be precious,
so precious to us.
To me.
Because now,
they can't come true.
I'm left in the dust now,
no plan anymore,
watching life trundle on.
Just waiting for life to go my way,
for my day to come.
To find another dream,
now that mine is ripped away.
Just waiting, and all I know...
I'm not happy here...