Nothing

Sitting here
Looking out of the top window
Feeling the cold breeze on my face
Listening to the birds beautiful song
Watching the occasional leaf blow
And 
Nothing

Nothing is happening here
There is no one talking
No one walking
No one running
No one driving by in their cars
No children playing on the green
It’s quiet
Almost silent
Almost deafening 

I am alone
Completely
I feel my heart crack a little more
The tape and glue is not holding
Every day
Every night
I cry
I want this extraneous pain, 
This insufferable loneliness to subside
I want to live again
I want to do more than just exist.
It is unbearable 
and I can’t take it

I want to scream at the nothingness out of my window
I want to run away to a life where I can touch and feel and embrace.
I want to fix myself with love and laughter and joy
I want to stand on my own two feet and feel something.
I want to be my own person and make my children proud. 
I want to shout from the roof tops that I’ve done it! I’ve made it through,
I’m out of the darkness and I am happy.

But time is standing still now
And there is nothing
Just nothing.