Private Affair!

You said I`d never match an Italian lover
So I gave you a pizza my mind,
The abuse from you was pasta joke
You spaghetti-legged bed friend of mine!
 
That American guy left you in a sorry `state`
With no `cents` you eventually had to hitch,
Bet your bottom dollar the driver tried it on,
Took a liberty, the son of a bitch!
 
Remember our holiday in the Swiss Alps?
It was downhill from the beginning,
I lost my virginity at the peak of it all,
Pervert snowmen stood there grinning!
 
I knew you`d been dating that double-glazier,
You melted like putty in his hands,
He was named, shamed, fitted up and framed,
It caused him extra `panes` I understand!
 
And you, the eldest daughter of a fisherman`s wife,
A half-cast who never towed the line,
Such a playful catch, favourite games were on your back,
In fact you were a hooker from time to time!
 
Your kitchen antics were steamy, intrigued me,
You boiled over, simmered and stewed,
Your hot temper was the main ingredient
Dished up with distasteful moods!
 
You said you wanted my baby
But you kid me all along,
Pregnant pauses filled your thoughts,
Nine months proved too long!
 
Dark chocolates were your weakness,
You couldn`t get enough,
You had a soft centre for me,
A sugar-coated love!
 
The time you took off with that pilot
Flirting while flying around,
Your thighs improvised as the hangar
Whenever he felt like going down!
 
I wasn`t up to scratch when you got the itch,
Someone else`s fingertips would do,
You were never ever satisfied, your legs were always open wide;
A tunnel for the male trains to run through!
 
So who am I to argue now you`ve lodged your complaint?
You`re far more experienced than I,
There are plenty more virile fish in the sea
Go catch a sex-starved one to fry!