Riding the waves

Each day that comes by, through a date a day and a time, each one lately clouds my mind, one day im all over another I hide.
   the urges to runaway but fears of no where to go, mixed thoughts of everything past, present and passing by in my minds o zone.
  staying strong yet I still question my strength jus try to remember who I am and what helped before when things seemed a mess, I get so far and then I hide, take it day at a time battling my own mind.
  questioning myself and defensive when someone dares challenge me, feelings of disappointment regret and guilt over so much and so many, trying to remember this will pass and re order itself in my filing cabinet up top, jus got a ride the wave and hang in there sometimes n remember things once forgot. 
Routine and pushing mu self in my own way, fight to let it out bit by bit in some way, write even if I feel blocked push that wall bk down. Blow the bridges of anxiety n fears draggin me down,
  sounds simple but if im true fully to myself, I hide away so much and damage my own health I try so hard to get back to the way I once learnt to be but realise one thing I never knew, I can still b happy.
   when life seems set out to b a journey that tests each to the end, remember karmas real and so is mental health and both r no excuse neither are they anything but lifes philosophical happenings jus like accidents and sudden events someway somehow it all becomes a cycle, round and round we go,
   faith in any god or almighty one or even someone like Santa Claus or the Easter bunny,
  along with fairies including the tooth fairy of course allow us all to grow 
  each belief or faith teaches one to trust it opens the mind to possibilities and options to explore the universerse 
   were given life and then we go, to wear truely no one knows, a wide universe and galaxy, beyond the planets moon sun and stars and further than any telescope could see.
We put man on the moon and humans created things like electricity,
  but ni matter what is learnt ir found and named the world is never the end for u or me,
  that's the one thing in life ill always believe, magic and fiction came from somewhere deep all the ledgends unanswered and things created by humanity, every bone or carving found any fossil out at sea, any creature undiscovered and yet to b named and seen, even if the human race eventually died out in time or flooded by the sea,
   or what god or devil may lerk or ledgendry prophets' from discoveries the truth is the big wide world is jus one big mystery.
  out in space or underground, tidal waves or earthquakes old news or news found,
   the human race is beyond the body as it is powered by the brain
  each animal insect plant or pond breathes life all the same
  the cycle runs round bigger than earth its self between global warming and terrorists plots humans may one day die out,
  either way beyond our sights
Quoting from the man who led iffa on his journey to rest,
   he lost a son himself I over herd and sympathised with everyone's pain and hell
 the words haunted me but stuck by me ever since 'heaven is all around us' ...
There was more before and after unclear but that stood out ,
   the only funeral my knees went weak, I felt out of place even with my brother and co and showed no release .
   at every other loss I've had never have I broke Inside and felt so weak, seeing Aran get so drunk and him break down and cry, watching ur sister comfort him better than I could at the time, she was so strong that day I bet he was so proud, all the way home I tried and u tried, a train full of people me trying not to cry
My aim to jus get home, in my safe zone, stressing at hype Kyle waiting insuprise the only thing that stopped me when I began to cry.
  I sat on the bus from town, moaning un aware he was really there, anxious and still whiz on repeat tears filling my eyes.
   I get angry at myself when I cry, feel like I shouldn't its not right, probably cse when I break and those tears begin to dwell, once one falls another follows and I struggle to hold then in and then I tell.
   I used to b a open book but now im bk to keeping my book closed, bk at a low point but handling it day by day trying break through the misted fog and ghosts, I knew in time I could end up ill as some say
I am trying everything I can step by step
   trying to climb again,
I nay sleep odd times, I may be awake all night, I maybe up and fine or exhausted but alive, I may block alot out but then I break n it all comes out,
   bit by bit I hope ill get to a satisfied mind set again,
At least I got one thing right that makes me happy. And things import ant ahead to come, 
  time to try focus at times and try switch my mind, fight each grey day away cleaning or wrapping up n going outside,
  try not to hate on myself and rearrange anything failed to achieve another day ill be ok no problem or anxiety in sight,
   im scared but im strong even when I also feel weak, haha that's the joy or adjective I suppose of a problamatic personality, split minded split moods,
Ups then downs, happy even when can feel down n sad,never jus a settled trail of thought it emotion, no cure no script no amount I therapy, all they can do is tell you aload of crap that only works through your mind belief, letting it out can b great but uts not. A medal achieved, courses can help you along the way and people can help you rethink, but each. To there own
No one can help anyone even if one gets through to another in need ,
  lifes cycles set out or not in so called destiny, no one can do anything unless that person pushes too but for each to do that they got believe In themself or someone to begin with that believes in them enough to pursue.
  for some it isn't there time as its put and sometimes this us true sine die due to karma like the taxi man who showed no remorse and jus made any excuse, those who accept no responsibility I strongly do believe although the devil is known to look after his own not all are brought back . For eg there's my dad except hes the opposite all his wrongs in life he died but was given life again, wad it the devils or the lord who done thus to him, both you could say but then most don't know, he has saved others lifes that also suffered an overdose, he was given another chance and maybe the devil knows hel soon join him for his sins as hes stubbon on ad itting fault