Shudder To A Halt

Dear whom this is about, you shudder to a halt
 

And you failed to succeed your manipulative narcissistic plan 

There was zero self gain for you, once again 

 

How does it feel?

To convince the world you're a great man

But to have those that were once the closest to you

Reveal what the closed door hides 

 

I've reached contact with your past lovers

And to state that there is a pattern with you

Is a complete understatement

 

We talked about your charm. How you were so charismatic.

How being wine and dined turned into domestic violence 

 

You've severed relationships

Leaving your victims- alone and helpless

 

You left them broke, broken and empty

 

Every ounce of help you offered, was another trap in your plan 

 

You're just a coward of a boy in the body of the man

 

Not only are you abusive, but your illusive

And I'll doubt you'll ever change

Because a person like you see's zero fault in their ways 

 

 

You played victim while you were the one spewing the venom 

 

I fantasized often about you choking on your words 

That the man above, would kick you where it hurts

 

Potentially that is my destiny 

Because you've silenced so many 

You scared them into insanity

 

 

But,

I'd like to share with you some of my journaling along the way of my mission to self healing

Because though you convinced yourself otherwise 

You're the monster in this story and I want you to read it

For what it is in black and white 

 

 

*Initially after the last attack*

 

My bruises are sore 

I can't turn my head all the way because of the trauma to my neck 

and my hand uncontrollably shakes 

Somehow, there are bruises on my chest and my collarbone is swollen 

 

 

I'm still pulling the clumps of hair out that reveal the bald spot

 

I spend most of my days, locked away 

I'm attempting to self heal, more mentally than physically

I feel like a caged bird being thrown back into the wild 

After years of containment

 

I feel disposable.

I feel the capability of healing running through me

I feel ambitious. Yet, brainwashed and tarnished

 

Insomnia and I become great acquaintances 

She must be the yin to the yang of the dust man

He lures me to sleep with a depressing speech 

and she rudely awakens me 

 

As I dream, the echo of mine and my son's screams haunt me

I can feel your strong hand wrapping my hair up

Using the push and pull mechanism to force my head down 

Your goal is to keep my eyes off the road so you can execute your next plan 

 

I remember the steering wheel becoming a battle ground as you scream that you're going to end us all

Because if you can't have me, no one ever will

Headlights from oncoming traffic still blur my vision

 

I managed to muster up enough strength to avoid hitting them head on

Even after taking hits to the head and my head being slammed into the steering wheel 

I was able to break free

I was able to somehow manage to land the vehicle into a parking lot 

 

The concrete lot became a saving ground 

​​​​​

You jumped out for a moment

I breathe in and out, trying to calm myself

I gained some relief 

but as my heart starts to settle

you jumped right back in

 

 

I muttered to myself "Here we go, again"

 

I try to calm you

I try to save face and to apologize
Just how you like 

 

Still, even after all the apologies I cry 

You refuse to give me my phone 

I make the effort to call for help, I need back up on this battle

I'm running out of ammunition 

As I dial 911 on the dash screen of my car, you hang up the call before it rings 

I try again and I fail 

I'm unable to make contact in the heat of the moment 

 

I feel like I'm a hostage Yet, I'm the one in the driver seat 

It's such an oxymoron, don't you think?

 

I drive you to where you were staying 

But the attack didn't end just then 

 

More hits and more blows

More hurtful words spoke 

As we fight over my phone 

 

A hoodie torn 

​​​​​​

An article of fabric that I'm later informed is more important than mine and my son's life 

 

I remember praying in my head, while pleading with you to spare our lives 

 

Malicious, a true twisted version of being a mastermind

 

You're demanding that I love you while 

You're killing me on the inside inside

 

It must be a terrible loss for a hunter.

​​​​​​ You thought you had me, but you lost your prey.

I my dear, get to live another day 

 

I managed to regain my phone 

You run inside, did you go in for a knife?

 

​​​​​​

Shaking, stumbling

Adrenalin running through me like electricity

 

 

My time is limited, I must act quickly 

​​​​​​I pull away with car doors wide open

As I head towards the police station 

I have survived, what you thought was my fate

 

 

My son and I were taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital

The nurses and doctors couldn't believe an arrest wasn't immediately made 

Carter was covered in vomit, they were concerned about his high heart rate 

 

My head was pounding in pain,

My hand uncontrollably shaking 

ALESIA! I silently scream to myself

"Keep your eyes open to write this statement"

 

My son was stuck on repeat "please let go of my mommy's hair, please don't kill us, please don't hurt my mommy"

 

Is this what fighting a war for freedom feels like?

 

Defeat, at the end noone actually wins 

​​​​​​

​ ​You gained nothing.

And all I have are four years of trauma embedded in my brain 

 

You mocking a petrified child who begged for his life 

burns a fire in my soul.

If looks could kill, I'd become karma in the flesh and I'd stare you into the pits of hell

 

 

But I can't and I'm no God

He who sees all, will take care of your soul

Him, my children, you and I- know all the truth that could that be told 

 

I no longer care about the lies you spew

Paint me in every bad light, if you have too

 

But for the record, you will be black and blue in mine 

Because you cause pain and steal time 

 

Years later,

I wear an invisible badge that I named survivor

 

Once in a while, Ill rub my fingers through that side of my head

And I'll try to feel if the lumps are still there 

Or if I still have missing hair.

 

I'll rub my right hand over my collarbone to see if it's still swollen

 

The bruises have since healed

My hair has grown back in

The stuttering comes and goes

As well as my shaking hand 

 

 

But, I'm alive and much more stronger than I have ever been 

You tried to silence me 

But I'm bolder than I ever was 

 

I've become an advocate for children and women

(Even abused men)

 

I replay, every scenario of you telling me that I had no chance of leaving and if I did I wouldn't make it without you

 

 

I've learned to block out all of that gaslighting nonsense and remember who the f**k I am

 

Because I am much more than you could ever see me be.

 

I've cut the barbed wires you wrapped around me

I've unleashed myself from your evil presence

And I've evolved into a much better version of myself 

You didn't end me 

You didn't silence me

You could no longer force me to stay 

As you lost me, I gained the best of me 

 

I fell in love

In love with myself. 

Every flaw you'd point out, I love a little bit more than the rest of me

I've gone places, you would say I'd never go

I've experienced love that you said I never deserved

And I've evolved into the woman that you wanted to regress 

I pray you get what you deserve. Nothing more nor nothing less

 

God bless

 

 

 

 

 

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