Silent Cries

I am trapped in this endless circle. Every time I try to do something it fails. I tried to find a job that suited me better than the last. That idea failed, I guess satan likes to ride my ass. I was given an ultimatum: "get a job or go to school". Since one was failing, I decided to give the other a try. I filled out all the paperwork online and tried to take my time. School here I come at least figuratively. Online classes here I come, please be nice to me. School is going, reading and typing of words are flowing. Then a person says "You are paying too much, try the local school first". I heard and my parent's thought that idea was great. I have to redo the paperwork all over again but for a different school. The pain of not doing work specifically for that certain degree, now I feel empty. I am struggling to keep calm and be patient. I keep being asked, "Do you know what you are going to do now?" I feel a silent rage fill my entire body, mainly in my lungs which ache to scream and blow. In my mind, I replied "I was doing something but you made me let it go! So please just leave me the FUCK ALONE!" But I know better than to be rude to the woman that gave me life. I owe her everything and twice more. I just miss the way it was before, I kind of had my life together. Being Independent, self-sustaining, being proud of myself. But now being back home, I feel more alone. I know I can't dwell on the past nor live in it again. With tears in my eyes do I have to ask: "How long will this last?"