Swim Forwards (Unmade)

1

I carry this burden, this life with no purpose, it’s  like a thousand years every time I dream, something has to change, something has to happen.

What I’d like to see is a giant portal opening up in the middle of the earth and sucking everything into it, bit harsh, but kind of peaceful if you think about it.

The train station is blue and there’s stickers that cover all the windows, I walk by, walk through and walk out, out of reality, out of sanity, out of love, out.

2

This is the second time this week that the sun has bled straight through the fabrics of the earth.
I sit and wonder if one day it will bleed out and leave only darkness to uphold the laws of man.
How just that would be!
To allow man the grace of light just to have it taken away in a second. 
Death would then be the only god, darkness would then be the only state of existence.
When all the crops begin dying, when all the violence erupts at the heart of humanity, I wonder if then, and only then, would the sun once again return to shed light on the atrocities of mankind.
We are not rational beings, we would plummet into the darkness with no way to defend, we would become the nightmares which we now run from.
I love the sun, I kiss it every morning, blessed am I who sees this art piece moving like lava, I watch it’s blood cover the cities, the highways, the valleys, the mountains, the desert, I watch it and hope only for it’s survival.

3

How beautiful you are in those colorful clothes, how good you look on the ravaged streets of youth, maybe you’re a lonely ghost, maybe you’re a god that smiles at the smallest of things, 
perhaps you’re just a soft dream that is born from the tender death of spring, 
either way, 
I exist only to fall in your graveyard, I exist only to make love to you like the sun makes love to the day.
How lovely you look by the garden of eden, how insignificant you look as you drink your natural tea by mountains and seasides, my love, can you not explain this existence to me? Can you not swim through the walls which you yourself have created?
I leave and then I return, my soul is painted by the empty roads, by the heavens, by the trash can alleys. I leave and then I return, I couldn’t tell you where I go, it’s unknown to me and I’d like to keep it that way as long as I live for I know the weight of the silent unknown and to be in your light is so far above that.
The flowers are in full bloom now, they hold the highway in their pale aroma and only you can compare to this beauty, only you my love, only you.

4

The Red Robin frolics through the naked trees, the gladiators of the clouds battle until the bloody sun can no longer hold it’s anger.
I sit on this bench which was first constructed during the Vietnam war and ponder my days, my nights, my stillness, my restless heart, my beehive mind, my aching dreams which spill into my staggered mornings.
The Red Robin frolics through the naked trees, we make eye contact and then we both look away, “we’re not so different” I think, and then go quiet, the air is waltzing and my cigarette is almost out.
I finish Sunflower Sutra by Allen Ginsberg, get in my car and drive with no particular direction, this is as free as I’ve ever felt, I know my greatness, I know my dreams, I recognize myself in the ripples of the earth and honor myself with these words.

5

At least I can say that I did it.
That night after night I went mad with ribbons flying through the metallic air, that my mind pounded with the drums of hell, that my soul stood back and let me indulge in this orgasm of destiny, this fate of black swans.
I cannot speak for anyone else, all I can say is that when this is all set and done I’ll know, as I stand above my lifeless body, that I did this as genuine as one can do it. That I fucked in the depths of darkness, that I danced to the horrid screams of void ridden music, that I ran down nightmares and momentary visions of psychotic euphoria. 
I ignored the light, I drank myself dry, I closed my eyes and dreamt of infinity, I know that special sound, that echoing silence which I cannot fathom, I know it now.
Now I cannot stay here for that is certain death, now, I must hold the light in balance with the darkness, now I must let my soul reach for the world and for others, now, I must let the sweet juices of this existence run down my flesh, we are the one, us all, we are the endless.
The symbolism of this rising sun rattles my veins. 
This new day.
My blood boils and then soothes me, the birds chirp the sounds of distorted ecstasy and I lay in some kind of peace.

This enlightenment which I seek, this escape from modern society, can it all be in my head?
I look to Buddha, to Nietzsche, to Lao Tzu, what is this life beyond existence?
You either follow this path or let it go.
You either go mad in solitude or mad in the streets of LA, no in between, no shiny door of transcendence in this state of limbo.

6

I felt her touch, the soft delicate touch of a virgin moon, her body was melting unto my arms, I danced on the edge of madness with both eyes closed.
I saw the drunken sailor, he stumbled and vomited all over the city streets, these city street’s, these steps of sunken gardens, these orgasms of evil.
I heard the cries of the void, the high pitched laugh of insanity, my reflection bleeding from the eyes, ballets of loneliness screaming for the other side, what other side?
The other side of infinity!
I danced and I felt the desert, I cried and I drowned in my own sea, I laughed and became aware of my own existence and only my existence, I looked around and couldn’t see even one real person. 
No longer human, no longer Jose, no longer living in circles , no longer dying in portals, no longer fucking with passion, no longer drinking with misery, no longer killing or wanting to be killed.
I danced and I danced as the two headed dragons erupted from the glass floor, I spun around in circles as the gods flew above me mocking me with their darkness.
I once was what everyone is, I now am what no one is, I sing once more to the devils of euphoria, I reach once more for the pleasures of eternity.

7

Swim forward through the mud that multiplies every day, swim forward through the hands that emerge from the soil, swim forward and through the center of the self, swim forward and don’t look back, swim forwards, always.

Swim forward through the rough monsters that roam the neon lit city streets, swim forward through the false prophets that offer delusion as truth.
Swim forward through the acid rain of social media, swim forward through the dried words of people who don’t know what it means to suffer, swim forward through the waves of summer, through the purgatory yells of autumn, through the reborn spirits of winter, through the deep meditation of spring and the not so deep meditation of love.

Swim through the layers of the dream, swim through the deserted diners on the side of small towns, swim and don’t stop till you see that light, you’ll know it when you see it but most importantly it’ll know you and the unfolding truth will devour the illusions of hysteria, cold graves in the depths of the ocean, real life on the sunny side of Vegas, real life.

8

Is it me who chose this life amongst the waste, is it me who directed myself into the deeper sides of creation? I wake up often confused with the dream still pounding on the doors of my reality, why did those words and emotions feel so real?
When I dream where do I go?
I ask that as melancholy rises from the dirty streets and meets me at home with a color which I’ve only seen on very bright days.
Yesterday I sat by the lilacs and smoked all the weed that I had, a butterfly rested on my shoulder and the cry of ancient civilizations came through my spirit and out my mouth.
Today I rested and dreamt about cool sunglasses and red lips, yes, the wind was rough and the car I drove was a red convertible, you could feel it, the good life, my soul was light and I didn’t feel the way which I usually do.
Tomorrow what will it be, a heist of the most expensive art museum in France?
A creature which I could never explain with human words?
A trampoline park that holds important people from my past?
Maybe tonight will be the last night, I wouldn’t mind that, not at all.

9

Don’t you ever see?
See the whale smashing it’s tail into old boats as the storm consumes the farms and cities.
Don’t you ever feel?
Feel the bats of hell fly across the unconscious eyes as winter again sticks the blade deeper into the heart.
Don’t you ever sense?
Sense the bad breath of karma as she frolics around your tombstone with flowers which she tore from your own mother.
Don’t you ever live?
Live crashing through brick walls on a Sunday afternoon as your high school sweetheart aborts yet another baby.
Don’t you ever die?
Die in those rooms that attach themselves to your Achilles heal in an attempt to shelter you from the outside world.
Those rooms which never release the mind, those rooms where humanity meets it’s foul end in savage slaughter.
Don’t you ever feel anything?

 10

In my days of military prison
there was a man who was as horrible as the stench of the city dump.
He was was one of the most vile characters I’ve ever met, a villain in the world if there ever was one.
He never did much but he was a Sergeant so he made sure we did much.
I still can’t unsee the horrible anger which radiated from him every single day.
He’d scream and treat myself and all the other lower enlisted soldiers like piles of garbage, he himself was nothing, a man as hollow as the ghosts of Berlin.
I always dreamed of coming in and smashing his brains in with a bat, I genuinely wished him the worst which is something I never do.
However, there was a part of me that analyzed him so profoundly, I was in utter disbelief that a single man could be that horrible.
What could’ve caused this spewing rat to reach a point of anger and waste which yielded no return?
Can he really be like this all the time?
Is it all just an act?
I never disliked someone so much, but very soon I’d have the privilege of never having to see him again and only hearing about him from the angry ramblings of friends.

I wave goodbye to this retched place of people who are worse than hell, I spit on the flag they praise and set fire to the eve of my everlasting road.
No one can take this from me, no one. 
I breathe in the world and exhale slowly, carefully.
This will never end.