Thank you ;(

You were my everything. 
I saw you in everything. 
You were the reason behind it all. 
You were flawless, you were my Barbie doll. 

My first true love. 
My only real love. 
The longest love I have ever felt. 
My one in a million that made my heart melt. 

I thought it was never going to come to an end. 
You were the one person I could talk to, you were my best friend. 
The butterflies I got in my stomach,
The never ending thoughts of you. 
The bad times that I still wish I could undo. 

You were the last one I talked to before bed. 
The first thing I saw each morning. 
The one I spent every available minute texting. 
In you all my time I was happily investing. 

Now that we are thousands of miles apart. 
I’m trying to live my life as you go on and live yours. 
I made lots of mistakes being away from you trying to find cures. 
I have learned a great deal. 
And because of all these mistakes my walls are stronger than steel. 

I still remember that time we talked on the phone, the last time you gave a damn. 
You were crying saying how all my family was going to hate you now. 
And the only hope I had was that this would all go away somehow. 

I gave you all of me. 
Everything you ever wanted plus more. 
I let you mold me how you wanted me to be. 

And at first you treated me well. 
Just like I thought I deserved. 
It was all so perfect. 
But then towards the end it was all hell. 

The person I fell in love with and knew disappeared. 

A cold October, one month before our anniversary you dropped the bomb.  
I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t 
 stay calm. 

I wasn’t your only one. 
I wasn’t the best one. 
I fucking wasn’t enough. 

You grew tired of me. 
You fell out of love with me. 

What convinced you to let him get between you and me?
When you two were together did he make you feel free?
Was it because he was ambitious with a college degree?

I’m sure you joked with him. 
Just like you used to do with me. 
When you two spent time together did you finally feel happy?

I hope you never experience the pain I felt when I found out about you two. 
I will never let anyone in ever again and it’s all thanks to you. 
I was crushed. 
You took everything. 
And you were my everything. 

I dwelled in despair for two years. 
Two years of crying over the thought of you not wanting me anymore. 
Overthinking what was wrong with me, was I just a bore?

I was ashamed of myself. 
I felt so ugly. 
I felt so useless. 
Everyone around was happy but not me because I became ruthless. 

All I wanted was to be good enough for you again. 
I wanted things to be the way they were when our relationship began. 
I wanted to attain that connection again. 

I loved you. 
For real, loved you. 
And that really hurt. 
So now all I can do is stay alert. 

Because I’m scared of love. 
I always have been but now more than ever. 
I’m now a fighter not a lover. 

But you made me believe in love so suddenly. 
And just as quickly,
I watched you break down my walls
And throw me away,
That’s the reason I have demons 
I try to hold at bay. 

I just stood there and watched as you destroyed everything. 
All that we had built. 
And even now I still feel some guilt. 

It sucks to no longer be wanted. 
No longer be needed. 
To no longer be the one. 
This is why all my problems I try to out run. 

Till this day I’m still struggling. 
I still feel like nothing. 
And I look for reassurance in the absolute worst ways possible. 
I wonder if I will ever feel anything again or just stay cold as a popsicle. 

I wanna say I’m finally at ease
With how things turned out. 
I’ll just stay on my knees 
And hope God hears my shout. 

I still miss you,
And our talks,
And that connection. 
I really miss your affection. 

But I hope I’m better off now 
Without you. 
By myself. 
I think I found hope,
Maybe a small sliver,  
Maybe something to consider,
Or just something to hold on to. 
 
And who knows,
Maybe it will be the same,
Maybe worse or maybe better. 
Only time can tell. 
But whatever it is hopefully it takes me out of my shell. 

I wish to be loved again. 
I wish to take care of someone again. 
I wish to be open to only one, once again until the end. 
 
So thank you Jennifer,
Thank you for teaching me love and true heartbreak. 
Yeah it was painful but I learned from this mistake. 
I hope you finally found the happiness I couldn’t give you and that you longed for. 
I’m sure till the end of my days I’ll be trying to restore myself since I’ll never have you anymore.