Thank You, Grampy Dear

I promised never to tell anyone how your life ended with my picture in your hand and how I think I died with you. 
That seemed like something between me and you, the last thing.
I promised never to tell anyone how I said I would be back Friday.
You died on Saturday. 
That seemed like something between me and you, the very last thing.
I am afraid of losing you, even though you're already gone.
So I've decided to hide our last things, our memories together. 
I snuck you Andies candies when no one was looking. 
I ate pepperoni for years because I thought you liked that we had that in common
I gave you a rock for your birthday and you made it a refrigerator magnet. 
I don't tell people these things, because they are mine. 

You died with my picture in your palm instead of your wife's hand and if that isn't love I don't know what is 
But your palm is still clasped around me and pulling me closer and closer to wherever you are 

          I miss you.
I'm afraid that no one will understand how much
          I miss you.

I sat with a plastic heart taped onto my jacket in a pew that smelled like Clorox as they sang the final ballad 
Hallelujah
And I spoke to you, I begged you to come back it was a cold and it was a broken 
Prayer
Please. 
I will eat pepperoni everyday for the rest of my life
I will stay with you every Saturday of it means that you won't die with a picture but with my hand in yours
I will feed you Andies candies until you can't stand the smell of chocolate the way I can't stand the smell of churches

I feel like when you died, God or the universe or you took me with you. 
But I know that in reality, I didn't go down with you, you're still here.
I did not die in your hand, you're alive in my heart. 
You always said I was smart like you were and I loved fiercely like you did and I hope that's the case because then
You're still alive, a little. 
You told me while we ate grapes on the couch that you wish you could take my pain away and put it upon yourself.
In this room, I wish I could take your pain and put it upon myself, so maybe he is still in here somewhere 
Please don't tell me you are sorry for my loss because if anyone survived this hurricane I named cancer it was him. 
He died on Saturday with my school picture from the fourth grade in his hand, they told me.
He couldn't think of breathe or speak, but he wouldn't let go of that picture, they told me.
I wanted to keep this to myself, the last Andies candy I could sneak between the two of us, 
But that wouldn't be fair to the world. 
The world deserves to know this man.

He told me my whole life I was his favorite, and even told my cousins.
He wouldn't give me my birthday presents until I gave him one.
He taught me how to make a perfect 7&7 whiskey.
He loved me.
Thank God he loved me. 
Because I am afraid of losing his voice, laugh, crooked smile, and words of wisdom.
But I will never lose his love.
He died with my picture in his hand, and I live with him in my heart.
Hallelujah.