the faceless suitor

I think i might be broken
I see my friends do it so easily
Like a firework

BAM

And its there
Their flame roars with life
Ferocious and not easily tamed

What is it?
The spark?
That conncetion that draws a person to want more
Am i missing it?

Or do i simply choose to not see it
How do they look at someone and decide?
You, yes you
With all your flaws and edges
Not despite but because of them 
How do they decide they’re the one?

My flame, if one could even call it that, is an ember
It glows yellow with the rising sun
Running on fumes 

But a simple gust of wind can snuff it out
A look, a way they spoke, or the simplest and most insignificant details
Why must i make a con list of everyone i find attractive

Or is the way to think that my standards are made of fairytale
An imaginative state of unattainable perfection?
Or is the list so tall so that no person could be able to climb it, less conquer

Is it my fault? It cant be
I’ve liked people before
It was slow growing, like a lazy flower on a window sill
Turning towards the sun, basking in warmth 
Growing almost unnoticed 

I think people are attractive
Celebrities, people on the street
But does their beauty come with the freedom?
The knowledge that nothing could ever happen anyway
What does that say about me? 

I have been questioning whether I was straight for a while now
Maybe the reason I can’t like the men in my life is because I should be looking for a woman
But no, the critic takes the stand for any possible contestant

I know i want something
I want to held gently, and loved because not despite
Men are rough, careful, like a  cool autumn morning 
Women are soft, divine, like a warm spring afternoon

So then why is the faceless suitor better?