a heavy heart

I have a heavy heart
I look into the mirror and see a heavy girl
I see a heavy girl who can’t lift heavy things
A heavy girl with heavy hands and feet
She drags herself through the day
It's a weird feeling having your first thought in the morning being about how much you wish it wasn’t 

What a heavy thing to carry

This disformed body
Knees that don’t stand straight and buckle under heavy weight
The frozen boil of heavy hands and heavy feet
Blood that won’t pump through, unless it shouldn’t 
Then it does
…
What a beautiful thing, a body
It does so much for you, every day
And you hate it so much
All it does for you
Why?
…
Because it doesn’t
My heavy legs CAN'T hold my weight
What’s the point of heavy legs if they can’t hold my heavy weight
Why do stairs get to be my enemy
Why does my crooked back refuse to hold my heavy head
Do my heavy thoughts make it worse?
Why do I have to wake up in the morning, wishing that it wasn’t?
Why does my pain get brushed off just because it's always there

This is not a metaphor

Why does my pain get brushed off just because it's always there
What a heavy thing to carry

I AM SEVENTEEN
How am I supposed to appreciate this heavy body  
when I can’t stand for seventeen minutes straight
How am i supposed to love this heavy body
when I can’t sit for seventeen minutes straight
How am I supposed to thank this heavy body
when the only time it isn’t heavy is sleep
And I can’t even do that right either

What a heavy thing to carry

This body is heavy because of my heavy heart
My heart is heavy because simply existing is harder
For me, forever

What a heavy thing to carry