the heartbreak i handed out

i know it hurt you, because it hurt me.
you have to believe me when i say i didn’t want to
you won’t 
i know, because i’ll never tell you
i’ll never give you the chance to believe anything i say because you’ll be left with unanswered questions and confusion 
i’m sorry that’s all i can give you right now 
just know that it wasn’t you
it was me 
sounds cliche, doesn’t it? 
but i mean it. 
i know i hurt you. 
no one else knew 
but i did
and so did you.
everyone seemed oblivious, even me.
but i knew what i was doing
i knew during every second of it
the things i said, 
i almost convinced myself.
i didn’t mean it
you’re all i wanted, 
but i can’t have you
it wouldn’t work.
it couldn’t-it can’t.
because if i act upon my feelings it will shatter the net of safety that i’ve been engulfed in my whole life
i’ll be left vulnerable 
i’m not ready for that. 
i don’t know if i ever will be.
if i admit it to myself, 
it will be real.
if i say it out loud, it comes true 
and i want to believe it’s not 
not because i don’t want it
not because i don’t want you, 
but because it’s so much damn easier.
i’m sorry i haven’t learned how to love myself, let alone love you.