The Need for "I Love You"

I am hectic. A mess.
One second I'm okay, the next I feel a sickening feeling in my stomach and in my chest
I am so tired and wide awake all at once
Everything that I have to do, clear as day in front of me.
Yet it takes the smallest thing to knock me back a few steps.

I love them, do they love me back?
Are they not saying it to spite me? hurt me?
Maybe they're busy or they just forgot?
Or maybe the incessant nature makes them feel bored.
Who would want to force it?

I think about everything I accomplished in the year.
I worked hard to become better- a  better version of myself.
Cut out habits that would have killed me,
Counselling,
University- I got a degree.
And then I nearly lost what I cared about most.

I know it's young love and it could pass.
But I didn't want it to in this heinous way.
And he waited. He stopped and told me he wouldn't give in on me.
That he knew it was a mistake and this wasn't who I was.
It should have made me feel better.

But my guilty mind wont allow that.
Wont let me swim freely to the finishing line where I can learn to do better,
Instead their tentacles grip my ankles and start pulling me under,
Drowning before I can make things better.
And the voices in my head, their mean tone have returned hundred fold.

But I cant tell him, I cant hurt him again. I cant let him know that this is how I am.
I just have to get better -and it will get better.
The red can't stay red forever and has to fade away.
Has to become softer pinks and hues that blend into melancholy blues.
I have to feel the sadness before I can experience the happiness that follows.

And so I let myself be sad, the tears seeping down my face,
Until I curl over and weep into my own arms,
Wanting nothing more than an 'I love you too' to put me at ease and let me
Finally,
Fall asleep.