Training Wheels

I never knew anything about love. Love was summer air and sticky nights, blackout and wake up to another pair of eyes feasting on my naked body. My doctor told me it was an obsession, that I collected a man for every year I spent wishing for death. Called me a good time and “everybody’s favorite hobby”. And when the love revealed itself into lust and the lust into “please, no, stop”. He told me it was my fault for the voice of my past screams yes louder than any no could. And I still remember the days that I had no voice, so when I broke the silence, trying to save myself, nobody should ever tell you that you’re not trying hard enough when you’re fighting for your life. It becomes sink or swim when listening to the faucet drip as you get stripped of your sanity, he held me on the bathroom floor like a dirty towel that refused to lay flat, maybe I gave up to easily or maybe I knew the rest of the world wouldn’t believe me. Why wouldn’t they believe me. Like your first time falling off a bike wondering why your parents didn’t catch you. Why didn’t they catch me. Like your first time waking up in a sterile room looking at a hospital ceiling. Why did they save me. My bloody wrists and the look in my mother’s eyes, I don’t think she ever forgave me for saying that I never asked for this life that she gave me, even though she paved my way and taught me how to act like a lady so here’s a toast because I’ve always been good at lying and to this day that’s the one that made my nose grow the most and I’m sorry momma for the things I say, and how it had to be this way but you gave me the strength to carry myself to see the light of day and for all things gone unsaid this one hurts the worst and for all the days I spent looking for my worth you’d think I’d have a garden for every seed of hatred I planted in myself but hey, sun shine would be nothing without shade, and to be honest I’m a sucker for the rain, so maybe life’s not so bad or maybe it’s just the weather but everything crushes under pressure