Twelve Days Of Christmas, The Real Story

Day 1. My dearest Darling.  Thank you so much for your most beautiful gift of a  Partridge in a Pear Tree.  The only problem was that he was doing his mating call all night long, and I hardly slept a wink!

Day 2. Hi My Darling.  The two Turtle Doves are absolutely lovely, except you gave me a male and a female.  The whole night long they got very “lovey dovey”, and their squeals kept me up all night again!

Day 3. Hi Sweetie.  The three French Hens are very pretty, but at midnight, three French Roosters got into my home, and found the Hens.  Their shenanigans echoed through the house, and again, I could not sleep!

Day 4. Hi.  The four Calling Birds all have such a nice ebon hue.  But, between the two Turtle Doves, three French Hens, and the three French Roosters, they had a switching party last night.  It sounded like a Bird House at the Zoo, and  this is the fourth straight night I have not slept!

Day 5. All right.  Five Golden Rings were a nice gesture, but I left them on the dining room table last night before I went to bed.  A thief broke in, and stole them along with other items of value.  I heard him leaving my house at 2 a.m., and called the Police.  They left at 7 a.m., after looking for clues, that he might have left to help solve the crime.  Five sleepless nights and counting!

Day 6. Hey.  Six Geese a laying.  The only problem, is you sent three females and three males.  What they were laying in the middle of the night was not “Golden Eggs”, as I laid sleepless for the sixth night in a row!

Day 7. This isn’t funny anymore.  The seven Swans a swimming have invaded  my bathroom sink, the toilet, and the bathtub.  I had to use the old outhouse all night, getting no sleep.  Stop with the gifts already!  

Day 8. Hey shithead.  Eight Maids a milking?  They each brought a cow with them and the whole house smells like cow manure.  You are really pissing me off now.

Day 9. You dumb asshole.  Nine Ladies dancing?  Their favorite time to dance is the middle of the night.  You could have sent ballerinas, but these bitches do break dancing to music that shakes my whole home.  Nine nights I have not slept, thanks to you!

Day 10. You Bastard.  Ten Lords a leaping?  They met the nine ladies dancing, and had an orgy all night long.  Again, no sleep.  I’m becoming a Zombie!

Day 11. That’s it you S.O.B.!  Eleven Pipers piping?  They slept with the eight maids a milking, and the three others are in the backyard committing sodomy with the cows.  I’ve had it.  I think I’m done!

Day 12. I warned you.  It’s over.  I never want to see you again.  The twelve drummers drumming, was the last straw.  I have left my home to go to a hotel, where I am finally going to get some well needed rest.  I have left the key under the doormat.  Come over to pick up all your gifts, and you can stick them where the sun never shines!