Warning: LONGEST PILE OF WORDS I'VE EVER WRITTEN (written in 2014)

Well then...
You sure know how to fuel my insecurities...
I know it's not your fault, you're not even aware of it
That's because I'm trying to keep my teeth clenched on my tongue
And deal with it myself
But man...
Alright let me see...
You're always talking to me about the next guy...
Yet you're the only girl that talks to me on a normal basis
You tell me every damn near detail,
Even the type of shit I would think should be strictly "girl talk"
You would only say those kinda things among other females...
Then again, I am a pussy ass bitch nigga
So you're safe on that one
But then I sit and think, "Why am I bothered by any of this shit???
If I feel bothered, that must mean I'm jealous..."
*Blackheart appears on left shoulder*
"You are jealous
Because you know he can have any girl he wants
And you clearly see how this bitch is all over him
And he ain't even trying!"
You ain't lying...
"And then she wants to complain to You,
About how she's afraid of another girl getting in her way after falling so hard for him
Which goes back to the fact,
He can have any girl he wants!"
Goddamn you're right...!
"And...and,
Speaking of how hard she fell for him,
The girl cooks for him,
She tells you about her wet dreams about him,
Let alone that other wild shit she told you she did with that other guy...
And she feels safest telling YOU all this shit!
Without all that shit,
She has absolutely no reason to talk to you!"
She really doesn't!
You ain't lying...
"And she's saying shit like that on a normal basis,
To a nigga who can't even get a female to simply fucking smile honestly in his presence...
Let alone get a female to simply fucking WANT to be in his presence..."
She might as well not talk to me at all!
"Exactly!"
She's might as well be like the females that don't talk to me period!
She got other people,
She got 4 other guys she can tell this shit to, fuck she gotta tell me for?
Matter of fact, what the fuck am I even stressing this shit for?
"Because your pussy bitch ass is fucking jealous of these niggas"
Why!?
You know what, fuck these stupid ass emotions, I hate feeling like this!
"If you say yes to me, you'll get the thing you always wanted...
To not care anymore...about anything
I can give you that"
No...I will NOT give my soul to you
"Not yet...
Your self-righteousness is the only reason you resist me...
You're hellbent on pride, but you're weak
It won't be long..."
I'll never give in to you, over my dead body
"No, over your live body...
You want so bad to be like your twin brother,
You want his life so bad...
But your conscience tells you you're not able to handle that life,
That you wouldn't be able to to live with yourself if you got blood on your hands...
But I can give you carelessness, I can give you heartlessness!
And then you will be able to handle that life!"
But I would-
"Conscience...I know what you're about to say
Those aspirations to be the most inspiring poet alive...
To be in the music industry...
To use music to reach out to people who feel as worthless as you feel right now,
Inspire them to keep living and not kill themselves...
Give them hope in the midst of hopelessness,
Make them believe again that life will get better for them...
But you're a flawless example of the very lie you dream to tell these lost causes...
And I'll do you one even better than that!
Look on your right shoulder"
There's no angel...
"Why hasn't God reached out to you?
I've been telling you all these things,
Not to mention all these things are pure fact
Because you can look back on your experiences...
You see yourself how it all played out exactly as I described it
But I guess even God agrees with these truths since he isn't debating with me..."
Well I got nothing to lose if I do say yes to you...
"Precisely my friend
Just let me in and the world is yours
You can be rid of all petty emotions...
That's been holding you down,
Making you weak to where you're actually jealous of other people"
But what-
"Hey, never mind that, you already know how well that's going
Who truly appreciates your words?"
I don't know...
I mean, I wrote this poem for my sister's birthday and she cried...
"That was just for the time being,
That'll blow away with the wind over time if it hasn't done so already..."
And what about my friend?
He told me we were gonna chop it up sometime
"Yeah...he did...
So tell me...
How's the wait?
Is it like that other guy you met that night in Times Square in 2012?
Who said he was gonna work with you?
He asked for your email, added you on Facebook...
But he NEVER got back to you???
He never did get back to me...
"Is it like that other guy you met in urban word?
You two talked coming from an open mic event,
He told you he produces and things like that...
Told you that people would always ask him to feature on his songs..."
I told him I wanted to do more than that...
"You did...
I remember I was at the train station and I called him to see if he was home
I was gonna go to his house so we could chop it up but he wasn't home
"Tell me something...
You ever wonder if he even remembers you talking to him on the train that night?"
I highly doubt it...
"Exactly, because you're a lost cause to him
In addition to how you always wanted to have the kind of power he has in his poetry...
That's 2 people who threw your name in the wind!
But wait, how bout this small matter...
That girl you was to simply write a group piece with,
She happens to be too busy for you...
But then again that's a female
Why would she even want to be in your presence?"
She doesn't.
"Exactly, she doesn't...
So why would she say you two should write together?
Let alone the fact she said that after seeing one of your poems...
So now she's another person to be dishonest about your poetry!"
Well damn...
I literally can't argue with anything you've said throughout this entire...
Pile of words.
"Now be real with yourself...
You really think your "friend" wants to do something with You???"
He said "a track from us is a MUST"
"I like how you put that in quotation marks
He said that sometime last year,
And here you are..."
Guess you're right...
But why is all this getting to me so much?
"You have too much a conscience,
But you're unhappy with yourself.
You depend on other people to make you happy,
And satisfying others make you happy.
You've been that way since you was 13,
Only now it has resurfaced tenfold...
You haven't had a real girlfriend since you was 11,
You was dumped 2 minutes after being owned at age 14,
The girl felt you couldn't defend yourself
And she was right,
You honestly couldn't since you was afraid of fighting,
Then you got dumped 1 day after being owned at age 19,
The girl says she was going through depression,
But even still it's no one's fault but your own...
No female wants you, no female ever WILL want you...
So for this one girl to actually talk to you as much as she does,
Of course it had to come with a price...
She's gonna talk about her love life problems, to YOU!
When you spend your whole life wanting to be like every guy you've ever met as you grow up
To this very point...
So yeah, of course you don't want her to know how that doesn't make you feel any better!"
I always wanted to be the friend a person could always come to,
No matter what it was...
I guess that came with a price
"It came at the expense of your feelings...
See now, you wish you never met her...
You know you feel that way deep down, don't you?"
......yeah honestly
"And since you can't go back in time,
The next best thing is to cut her off...
You tried that, deleted her on Facebook,
But you forgot you gave her your email...
And she contacted you saying she missed you,
She was worried,
She was thinking a lot about you..."
I honestly believe her,
That's why I added her back.
"And by doing that, you gotta deal with the jealousy issue again...
Because now, she's about to get into another chapter of the story...
Starring Jared..."
I know...
I honestly don't care,
I want her to leave me alone with all that...
"All you have to do is tell her that"
I know, but it's not that simple to say...
"You told her everything, remember?
So now she'll understand"
Yeah I guess...
"She got 4 other guys she can share her problems with,
They don't mind so why she gotta talk to you?"
Exactly what I'm saying...
"But let's get back to the subject here...
You're tired of her talking to you about the next guy,
You're tired of being jealous of the guys she talks to you about,
Let alone being jealous of everyone else you've ever met in your entire life so far,
And you're tired of simply having these emotions,
You want to not care anymore, about anything...
An I right?"
Yeah...but-
"Here's what's gonna happen...
You're gonna say no...
And you're gonna continue to feel like this,
The way you feel at this very moment,
You're gonna spend your entire life trying to find some source of false hope...
Right now you say you're in a stage of recovery...
You're claiming to "believe in yourself"
Have more faith in "God"
And you're telling yourself that he's finding his way into your life,
Telling yourself that you're more open to him and things like that...
And you believe it's showing in your "poetry"...
The list goes on for you trying to be more of a "positive" being,
But...but,
All these things are the reason you feel how you feel at this very moment...
And until you say yes to me,
All this conflicting beliefs and thoughts inside you...
They're gonna drive you insane...
They're gonna eat you alive,
Tear you apart,
Drain you of "positivity",
Until the war between YOUR PERCEPTION and ACTUALITY is over...
And that war ending results in one of two things...
Me...
Or death...
And since I know you're too afraid to kill yourself,
Because you're afraid to intentionally inflict severe damage to your own body,
You WILL say yes to me...
That's how it's gonna happen.
That's how your life will be lived."
What if you're wrong...?
It's possible...
But the difference between you and me,
Although I AM YOU,
You BELIEVE IN ME.
That's how you created me...
You believe in ME more than you believe in yourself...
More than you believe in your dreams...
Whatever there is about you that's good,
You believe in ME more than all of that...
You're trying to believe in yourself more...
But I'm part of you so...
That means believing in ME more...
You can't accept ME,
And actually feel good about yourself at the same time...
So you want to be like everyone else you've ever met in your entire life...
Yet you have no idea the trials and tribulations they've experienced..."
I know, looking from the outside in...
I only see what's in front of me...
"Exactly...
You're aware of this but you still believe being them,
Is better than being You..."
It's funny where you're going with this...
Because having said that,
You're simply reminding me that I am no worse than the next being
And that everyone has their share of pain which no one knows nothing about...
"The genius within you is starting to show again..."
You know what?
I think this conversation has reached its end.
You see...
You were strong in the beginning,
But I forgot for a second, you're ME...
You're not too good at debating...
You speak long enough and you start to speak contrary to your being...
I've always had that problem
"We're off subject here-"
No, we're not...
See, that's just half the story...
The other half is this...
I've always had a thing for irony.
The moment I realized you sounded opposite your appearance,
I came back to my senses...
My Higher senses.
This moment of weakness is over, thanks to you...
Or should I say, Me.
By the way, that's gonna be the title of this "pile of words".
Lucifer was once an angel...
But you know what the deepest truth of all is?
Lucifer is STILL an angel.
Lucifer WILL ALWAYS be an angel.
"Devil" is simply a label from perception,
And "Lucifer" is simply a name...
Just like insecurities are labels from perception,
And Blackheart is simply a name I've given them as a collective...
Them, being you.
I simply alter my perception,
And you are no longer insecurities to me...
As Lucifer is no longer a devil...
Lesson learned.