WHAT REMAINS

Overcome with sadness
Desperation grips my mind
I have hit rock bottom
No clear end in sight, defined.
Insanity is drowning me
I can not catch my breath
Lying here I want to die
Sleeping brings no rest
My eyes are red from crying
I taste my salty tears
Being left here alone, forgotten is one of my greatest fears
My soul is bare, and seething
Yet my broken heart's still beating
Life keeps moving forward but I am stuck right here
I've lost all I ever had and what remains is so unclear
Do I have it in me again to pull up on these boot strings?
Am I strong enough to stand here dusting of my jeans?
I feel so down trodden, and blue
Do I love myself enough to let go of you?
What's left for me to learn before leaving this life?
Walking away with my head up
Cuts me like a knife
Dropping to my knees, and begging shouldn't be the only way
Or the self-inflicted violence that convinces you to stay
I'm troubled by your hateful words, paralyzed by loyalty
What in the fuck, will I do, once again alone with me?
What happened to your solidarity, and being my rock?
I'm still surprised I survived the shock,
Where do we go from here, and do I even care?
Since everything I loved in life is no longer there.
Heidi Shavill
2019