For Real Though

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm fucking this up.
I say the wrong things too much, and the right things, not enough.
What was I thinking, really, falling back into love?
Walking along the edge for so long, the universe gave me a shove.
Now I'm hurtling through this like a Tasmanian devil
Man, I need You to be stable, to keep the playing field level.
I feel so insecure, looking at your face, trying to read your mind...
It's like trying to read Braille, without being blind.
Does it look to you, like I'm flailing around?
If it does, are you just gonna let me drown?
I feel so silly, and giddy, some days it's bliss
Other times, I get so anxious, I want to bolt, and just say fuck this.
Then the thought of my life without you in it...
Makes me crazy, which is a fact I hate to admit it.
I love being your girl, for real though.
If nothing else, this, you should  know.
In case I act stupid, when you're around, understand that I have been hurt.
I know you have too, still I believe this can work.
I don't mean to doubt myself, I've been doing it forever.
You are doing a great job making me happy, you are quite clever.
I'm taking deep breaths,  from here on out, I will try being less crazy.
 I will be mindful, before allowing my stormy thoughts to faze me.
I think you have a beautiful soul, and my soul's intrigued.
I'm lucky to have you in my life frankly, 
and I hope you never leave.
Heidi Shavill
2019