Poem -
Within Walls
Tangled treachery, many endless turns
Lost within walls of darkest evergreen,
Dead end again, wrong way this time - same ferns!
Walls too high, can't climb, end always unseen
Losing pace, gasping breath - energy burns
Footprints that fit, in moon's silvery sheen
Too dark, no escape from overgrown place
Morning comes slowly, light hits the same face
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Comments
I love the little comic touch at the end of this line. It comes as a bit of light relief amidst quite a few shadows.
The imagery...the staccato nature of the lines...all gives this short poem a claustrophobic feel; which is, of course, entirely apt!
And the ending is rather ambiguous; is anything learned, has any kind of escape been made...or even attempted?!
Has anything really changed if..."light hits the same face"?
Intriguing, elusive and tightly written.
I love it...and you.
your Jason XxXxXxXx
Hey Sweetheart, Glad you enjoyed this, the light hits the same face, but the face needs out of these walls...glad it felt claustrophobic i was hoping to get that across....I think i'm in need of a trip across the sea ......hmmmmmm but where to go????????
Love you
Your Lorna
XXXX
Hey LORNA!!..... I find the brilliance in this piece to be the ambiance you've created..... with excellent word choices helping to mold those powerfully elusive phrases suggesting the uneasiness of being trapped in a maze!!.....I like how Jason noted the staccato delivery ~ helping the claustrophobic feel..... all of which add to this well conceived and BEAUTIFULLY delivered write....... is that an ESCHER drawing?...... just curious!!......PINNED this one.....smokin' grooves dear poet sister!!......LOVE and ROCKETS!!.......T xo ?☀✴✳♥
Hi Tony, thank you so much for your comment I really appreciate your words, and Yes I believe it is an Escher drawing :)
Thanks
Lorna
XX
Enjoy the read....thanks
Thanks Lorris
x
wow really cool poetry linda
Thanks Linda
XXX
Great words choices. A claustrophobic gloom written in both ominous and beautiful lines.
Hi Lost,
thank you so much for your kind words :)
I love your choice of words....Captivating and the picture is just perfect for the write...Enjoyed
Hi Rose, I really liked the image as it captured kind of what I wanted to say in the poem.Thank you so much for you comment
Love
Lorna
xxx
Hi Lorna, was reading this powerhouse poem last night, the construction blew me away, very rich layered thoughts woven to create extraordinary 'art'...I can't figure out why this poem left me feeling upbeat when the subject matter seems so bleak; hope and faith must be somewhere in there pulsing forward each footstep taken, each wrong turn to do over, each obstacle... not sure, whatever it is, something in this poem has a very positive effect on me, and my comment is mostly a 'thank you' for posting it, apologies for rambling, cheers poet
Hi Christopher, Thank you for such a lovely comment....Of course their's a positive side...Its maze so their's always a way out :D....sometimes it can just take a while to find the exit.
I really apprciate your words, thanks again
Lorna
:D x
I believe it takes great skill to create a poem that can loop. A nice work of introspection I love it! Will be anticipating more. ?
Hi Fillintheblanks,
I am really glad you enjoyed this. I really appreciate your comments on the poems structure It took me a while to get it right
Thank You
Lorna
:D
Hi Lorna, Thanks for directing me here- this is a tremendous piece hun! it's a combination of unrelenting frustration with maybe just the slightest hint at release from this dark maze you are trapped in.So well written!
So this is an Octava Rima? 8 lines each with 10 sylllables?- how does the rhyming work? or is that down to the poets choice? So challenging -will have to give it a try. Good work hun xxx
Lodigiana
Thanks Lodigiana, I'm glad you liked it... the rhyme scheme is just ..abababcc each line in iambic pentameter xxx
I presume writ from a dark place but now basking in light .. excellent wordsmithessing .. x
Thanks Neville, yes I think when things feel overwhelming, writing about it seems to give me a sence of relief...I suppose it's that escapism I also get from reading.
Writing yourself does this a bit
differently as the escape is your own an not an alternative author.
I appreciate your lovely words
Lorna xx
You are so very, very welcome x