A Lost Love

He starts to like you, you like him back, you speak with words youve never thought you'd say again, you start to feel feelings you never thought you'd feel again, you start to list the things you have in common, you exchange paragraphs of pure emotion, you then realise you've found someone who understands you cos he is you, you start to send voice notes just to know what they sound like, he reassures you that when you lose yourself he will catch you, he shows you he understand every bit of you, he wants to know your past that broke you to understand the present that makes you, you start having late night phone calls nd good morning texts and in that moment you say to yourself yes I'm gunna take a risk cos he is too, Im gunna fall cos he has too, his mind intreged you, so eventually you meet and as you set eyes on each other you both realise the butterflies inside are mutual, you notice the look in echother eyes and for a second you can't look no longer, you feel like a teenager who's fallen in love for the first time, like wow this is it he's here and it's real, just a simple touch of the hands makes you weak, his lips make your body melt whilst his eyes speak to your soul, as you get physically close your feel a feeling that thought was in possible to feel, as he says such words that makes me see that we didn't just have sex we made love instead and I felt that with every ounce of my soul, I didn't feel dirty I felt respected, as my hand fit his like the last puzzle piece in that moment I decided I had but then a few days goes by and his demons come alive, you sense the uncertainsy in his voice, and even tho you know it may be the start of an end you make belief its still going strong you still have that connection cos he promised that he'd always have you "babygirl" ill pick u up when u drag yourself down, you wanna shout at me Lauren ill sit and wit till your finished so with those thoughts your impulses and compulsivness of your illness hits a peak and life slows down but speeds up at the same time, you think what have I got to lose but the words that may be left unspoken, so you become obsessive cos he said he loved that about you he said he embraced your crazy head and your flaws cos he had the exact same mind, the texts get shorter the phone calls come to a bitter quick end, you slowly lose hope day by day that little bit more, the pain gets greater as the days goes further and the emotion soon faded, he realises he couldn't keep up to what he said so gives up on you even tho you stood by him at a time anyone would of walked away he chose to define you as your illness and you chose to see past his, whilst he forgets you, youll always remember him, so in the end you think maybe  no one could love someone who's so damaged like me, so I'll pick up the pieces myself, define my own closure with my own explanation and your silence speaks volumes I'll take my heart off my sleeve, I'll wipe my tears as I watch you leave, but then It hit me there is someone who loves me, someone who embraces my madness someone who understands me inside nd out someone who picks me up when no one's around, that person is you Lauren, so I'll paint a smile and hope it lasts a while cos my hearts pure whilst my mind has always been craving a cure, I'll always stay true to myself inside, cos ain't nobody got me like me, atleast I can say I gave it my all and I tried will all my body mind & soul, but I accept from this day on if someone who's more mental than me cnt handle me then I refuse to put myself and anyone through it no more, I just thought I'd give love one last try cos I don't believe everyone is meant to have a other half, a partner a soulmte etc cos you are born alone you die alone and if anyone is gunna break my heart in this life it will be me myself, I won't allow another person man or woman to come even remotely close to me again, it's time for me to become the best person I can be, the best mum I can be and find my inner peace so no one can ever make me feel like this again especaiily myself.