A Private Function.

He deliberated, at length. He really had little else to do. At, this moment. And, for a little while, to come. He, knowledgeably, with distinct clarity, came to a conclusion. That, he was on the " road to ruin, " if not on a road to nowhere, in particular. Or, of similar persuasion ! He could feel it, in his very bones. He sensed his inadequacy before his peers, and, the sneers. He understood why he was victimized. He had very few skills due mainly to not trying at school. His lack of education left him poorly equipped to get involved in anything. Others, gained capabilities through industry, and, a longing to learn more. To, be more. To, be a part of society, rather than a spectator of what it, and, those within it achieved. They, grew from firm foundations, within work, whilst he remained ignorant of much of what went on, and, how it was done. Being, of " independent " mind,  was the asset he utilized most. To stay ahead. Of, the " Game " !
He wished he had put more effort into his formative years, regretting lost chances. Including the grasping of the " Training Day ", to become what he thought possible. In rejecting every offer, of help, he had found himself, here. Isolated, away from the mainstream, only existing on the meagre resources, compared to some, created by minimal effort, caused by minimal attachment, to what matters most. Anyway, you approach life. And, that, was always to be, the case. In, question.
He, demeaned himself, he thought. By, in the past, pandering to " fanciful notions " of others, who did not have his best interests at heart. He, had followed the ways of those only wanting to harm collective effort, rather than support it. He felt his lack of responsibility was a result of his falling prey to " fantasist nonsense " of very little purpose. Or, no purpose at all. He had always been used, and, abused. Far removed from the creative, productive, urges of historic precedent. Which, took you somewhere. To, fit a purpose. To, be truly satisfied.
She, seemed to feel the same. Why, would he not be able to see, that ? He, could see it in her eyes. That sense, of disappointment, in him, and, his lessened self-esteem. She did send signals of " care " for him, but, they did seem devoid of some signs of respect. She looked at him in a certain way. At times, offering personality traits expressing bewilderment at his inability to grasp the " obvious " ! Well, to her. He put it down to her education status, and, her work experiences. And, all that those brought to her processes, and practicalities. And, her ways of doing things, related to his field !
He ignored this " look of distain " at times, due to the acceptance by her, of, what he could do which she could not. Well, not in the same way. He knew his primary asset. The film " American Gigolo " had given him the idea of turning his physic and stature, into a means to an end. Into a way of coping with life. In giving himself up to even more scrutiny, than before, he was to find extra income, than otherwise expected. Considering his skill-set. And, his route, here.
When, she introduced him to her friends, he had found the " envelopes " to expand, the business. Beyond words. Their treatment of his position, was tolerated, to enlarge his portfolio of contacts. To find " more " than was perceived possible. By, teachers, or classmates, at his " principled " establishment of learning. Which, he had distanced himself from. As well as misused, at the time. Thinking he could do anything, far beyond those of the past. Leaving behind their credentials of success. And, their comforting support, in mind and spirit.
His " treatment " now, by them, was indicative of his attitude, at a crucial juncture, removed from what was appropriate. Now, ironically, he was again displaying characteristics, which did not seem appropriate, but, was getting rewards for these. The giving in to sin, currently, being his survival technique. Against, the odds. And, against conformist principles. Which, he really had abandoned, long before he realized he had. In the name, of loving methodology ! Apart, from standard procedures. And, what the majority, and past acquaintenances, saw as morally of greater value. If, not also, of currency.
So, he had to accept the way he was looked at by her. And, by her friends. And, others. Although, he did not really like, it. The honest truth was, he had no choice. His path being determined a long time ago. Within, youthful ignorance. Of, who could harm. And, by what means. If, he had any choice at all, it was in how he could degrade himself. Before her, and, them. To, be accepted. And, kept. The, constant fear of a " rival " stealing his " Thunder " deeply worrying. But, it, had to be lived with. Because, of what had passed. Under, the bridge, as well as anywhere else. In the end, he knew he would be cast adrift, to sink beneath the waves, never to re-emerge. His fate " sealed " ! By, poor judgement when it mattered. Here, was found, the temporary respite. The " calm " before the " Perfect Storm. " One day, he would be finished. Finally, to accept what was foretold long ago. At, the setting out on the journey. To, nowhere, in particular. And, peculiar ! He, knew, his place, then...... " Wherever, he laid his hat ! " Right, until the bitter end.