Cracks

7.AM, the sun beaming into my eyes, wakes me up as if to tell me that today's going to be the day that everything changes, and for the good.. but it never changes, and sometimes I feel like it never will.. I feel as if it's just me taking on the entire world.. every single day.. I sometimes wonder if waking-up is the best thing to do anymore, but there are certain things I'd miss in life, if I did chose not to wake-up anymore..

I'd miss my friends, the very few that I do have, the ones whom have stuck by me through thick and thin.. despite everything that's gone on in my life, good or bad.. they've always been there, and it seems like that they always will be, and I can't thank them enough for that.. I sometimes never really know how to thank them either.. but being their friend and being kind back to them, is probably enough, just enough to show them how caring, and how loving I actually can be.. if people were willing to give me a chance in life.. willing to let me be their friend, instead of just pushing me aside, left in the rain alone.. left to deal with everything.. by myself.. every day.. every year, non-stop.. 

But I suppose, the fact that I do have anxiety, and I do find it hard to just ignore it.. ruins life for me I suppose.. and being only 12 and knowing I'm a teenager in only a couple of weeks time.. makes my nerves, makes my mind.. trip all over the place constantly.. as if everything's one big battle, and I'm just standing in the middle of the battlefield .. just staring.. wondering aimlessly, trying to figure everything out.. but knowing I can't just defeat this demon inside of me, as it just seems buried within me, buried so deep that I can't begin to scrape away the skin, just to find it stuck elsewhere.. 

As I begin to open my eyes more clearly, the sun seems to have faded away into the clouds, I see kids running across the road, on their way to the school just around the corner from where I live, not the school I go to though.. that's a bus-ride.. and a very daunting ride of that.. I don't really know anyone on the bus, don't know nobody really, I'm just alone on this bus, staring out the window, letting my thoughts whizz through my head, happy memories replay like your favourite song stuck on repeat over and over again, reminding you that your existence is worthwhile, and that life is worth fighting for, but then the bad memories, cycle through your head like a hurricane, crushing through your mind, breaking down its hardened barrier, screaming at you, so loudly that your body begins to shake, you try shout the words out towards the heavens, but nothing comes out, nothing.. so you're not heard, and people just say I'm the kid that no one cares about.. the one without a story to tell.. or the one without a life worth living for.. and those words hurt, they kill me..

They kill my soul, and kill my mind.. they destroy my heart.. my heart bleeds heavily at knowing I've just been kicked to the curb, ignored.. because I'm only 12, they feel I'm not allowed to struggle in life.. they tell me.. "Why, dear girl.. you can't find life hard, you've not experienced life.. you don't know what life's about yet.." and don't I know it.. I know nothing.. nothing at all.. I'm just the young girl living down the street, in that home across from your house, just down the road.. the one who cries at night, whilst alone in the room, laying on my bed, wondering if life can get better.. wondering really, if my anxiety would ever disappear.. disappear away into the darkness, as far as possible.. so it can no longer strangle me so hard, that I struggle to breathe, struggle to talk.. struggle to get my feelings out there, I can't talk to someone.. for one, they would never choose to listen, because I'm still a kid, right? But also, because I just know.. that the words would never, ever be able to spring from the tip of my tongue out into the cold air, to travel gently to the ears of another human.. for them to listen to.. to take in.. maybe even to understand the way I'm feeling, and maybe they can help me too, but.. no one wants to help.. I'm just a young kid, growing-up, going through the changes of puberty, experiencing many cycles inside me and within life.. one day.. I'll learn.. and they'll tell me "Told you so.." But, what if it's too late for that? And life's already drawn the road for me.. leading me down the path, to further destruction.. indefinite heartache. 

"What if life says I have to struggle? I have to accept that I'm a nobody? Just a piece of dirt in the sea of life, that's making the world feel foreign, what if the world wants to make me feel foreign? Maybe, I should just accept that life will be difficult for me, every single day.. every hour that I experience in life, will be just that.. difficult, and hard to battle through, maybe I'm the one who's left out on the battlefield of life alone, simply because.. nobody wants me to win.. nobody wants me to prove them wrong, because that would that be wrong in itself, am I right? Would me being successful or happy in life, be wrong? So.. i can't let it happen to me? I have to accept that.. life.. just wasn't for me.."

"Is your anxiety affecting you that severely Sophie? That you, feel.. alone? Feel worthless? You feel you're here to just be chewed-up and spat back out again?" Asked Tom Childs, Sophie's closest friend, the only person whom Sophie ever felt like she could relate with.. the one person.. who never walked away from her, or hurt her. Sophie spins round on the chair, a tear slowly drifts down her right-sided cheek, she looks up to the ceiling, realising that the feeling she had of waking-up and lying in bed, was just a thought circling inside her mind.. because that's where she'd rather be right now, laying on her bed, crying, thinking, feeling sorry for herself, letting life take over and swallow her whole.. she looked directly at Tom.. "I would be alone, in my room, lying on my bed.. left to ponder about what action to take next.. good or bad.. at-least I'd be free." "Free?" Asked Tom.. looking slightly puzzled.. "Why, would you be free Sophie?" "Free from school, free from 'friends' who are there just to simply laugh at me, use me.. they use me as they know i break easily.. sure, I genuinely do have a small circle of friends who actually do care about me.. but for god sake.. it's so small.. that the circle, you can barely see, it's far out in the distance.. it's so small, that.. sometimes, I actually wonder.. if the circle of friends.. is actually there at times.. there for me.. through the bad times.. or it's far away from me as possible, so they can all laugh at my failures and trample all over my heart.. just for their entertainment.. their 'kick' in life." "What would you like to happen, to make things better for you and your anxiety in life Sophie?" "What I'd like to happen Tom? I'd like the world to just leave me alone, even if it's just for one day.. just leave me alone, and let me be happy for once.. you never know, I might actually smile then.." "So, there you go.. that's all you want.. to just smile? There's loads of ways to do that Sophie, loads of things you can do too.. you just need.. pushing.. just a little push, out into the world.."

An hour later, and the meeting finished, I was back home, looking outside my bedroom window, knowing that Tom was right.. I just needed a little push.. I need to take my anxiety and put it through the limits.. I need to scare it into submission.. scare it away, scare it so much that it will never return, one day, I'm sure I'll do that.. but for now? I'll try stay calm.. stay away from people who bring me down.. who wanna trample all over my heart.. and try find the right circle of friends who'll love me for who I truly am.. nothing more, nothing less.. anxiety may strangle me at times.. but I won't let it kill me... not anymore. . I'm gonna fight this.. fight it good.. so good, that it just runs.. and never looks back.. and never tries to ruin my life and my meaning of existence ever again, because I do exist, and exist for the good in life, I will.. what for though? I don't quite know yet, but in time I will.. in time.