Its kinda personal

   I really dont think im all that, and i admit sometimes i wish i could be that one person everyone had their first love on. But im only saying that so that i would be loved by the all right people even if its for a little while. You know sometimes l look in the mirror and i think im so ugly and other points i think im the best god damn thing walking. But its just me in the end..a human being and when i feel vulnerable im every bad that ever existed.

   I cant even count the amount of times iv'e cried and the amount of times i questioned my existences to certain people? I dont trust very easily,and only because i learned to keep my guard up from stupid people. I  think at age 3 i learned that are good and bad people in the world, and that even includes your family members. You know its a strange feeling when people who claim love you invade your private parts like a public party. You know its heart breaking getting off a bus hiding your face because someone purposely confused your race and called you ugly. Its things like that, that can really scar a person and leave such a negative impact on them. It makes you shut people away, its makes you keep your virginity on lock down because your scared. Because your scared that in the end they'll just use you or leave.

     I dont think im a messed up person i just been in such fucked up situations. Even though i grew up with my mom and dad and sister, it really felt like it was just my mom and my sister. My dad was really a segment of my imagination,and i had a big imagination growing up..ask anybody? He wasn't real but of course i pretended that he was.An empty heart a full house filled with drunk ass father who claimed he was practically God. I hated when he gave us money just to get out of the house. Thats why i dont care about money, but at least he taught me that. You can learn the bad from other people surprisingly. 

      But that was then and time has healed and time has passed. Sometimes i still think about it because its  feelings like those that dont go away.  Did you know you can turn a negative into a positive? im really bad at math but thats something that stuck to me,and it actually makes sense. Out of every negative thing iv'e encountered, and every person who broke me down...it gave me hope and i turned it into my positive. Maybe one day you can learn to open up too, even if it takes you a life time, and ill happy to listen to you with the ugly and pretty that comes out of your mouth.

Its kinda personal.........