Loss.

The way, " home " ! I can not seem to find it, any more. There was a time, before the traumatic, that, life and all its wonder directed me, so aptly and sincerely. Then, everything, which could do, went wrong. I did not concern myself, as events took over, but, simply maintained my integrity. Until, I thought the " worst " had passed ! I was denying my reasoning, plus truthful indicators, of  what was to come. Silly. Naive. And, rather unusual, relating to my previous history. For, what, that is worth, at this point.
The trouble is, getting away from the " mechanism " which perpetuates pure folly, encapsulated in bizarre adventures into darker corners. Where, I once would not tread. The inclination to be cast into the " abyss " is dominant. Amongst strangers, as well as my " new friends ", helping me cope with the acquired philosophical mindset, of yearning to discover and employ those " nether regions " !! 
How could the humble bog-standard turn-out to be going down, this path ? Driven along a highway, into the more elusive, and corruptible, shadowy side of creative thought. The most condusive co-operation only being present when natural aspects, once more significant, intervene to re-establish some resemblance of reality. And, monotone macro-cultures. Of the majorities perception. What, a " shit-storm " ?
There is reflection on the fundamentals of this fresh field. Sex and violence. How can they be ignored ? When, compatriots resort to them, to make statements of their position, and worth. The grading of the hierachical  structure seems based on length of service, applied to the " cause " ! Why, would that, not be the case ? When, trust and loyalty are important, beyond known belief.
There is no conceivable concoction which works, without these present. At all times.
The " slide " into the lifestyle, selected by fate, has taught far more, than was anticipated. Those mistakes within the mundane, now, appear irrelevant. As, I " amble " from one hedonistic lesson to another. Feeling the intensity of breath and depth, related to wider concerns, than normally present. The weaponry of choice, preparation for anything and everything.
Whatever, may come. Will come. You, can be assured of, that ! In any location. Separated from societies mainstream connections. I survive, by not knowing how. Instinct of the animal kingdom must reign supreme. For, me to last as long, as I have done. What other reason can there be ? When, looking at sordid and volatile practices, which never heal wounds, but, give guidance to the uninitiated on how to " fit-in "...to the best of your ability. Clearly, existing day-to day.
If, you do not make it. That, is your inadequacy shown to all. You, were placed under the spotlight, failing to deliver the prerequisite for " safety " ! Then, justice dispensed a verdict, to send you into exile. Permanently. But, at least you took part in this game of chance, and battle-testing process. Born of the unsavoury characteristics and strategies of those, " in control " of events, anywhere ! Still, my longevity, outside of the everyday, does provoke some memory of pride. However, that, can not be allowed to " fuck me up " ! Why, would, it ? If, you do the right thing, at the right time. With, colleagues in mind. Those, with your interests, as well as their own, in mind, and spirit.
The " love " is occasionally there. To deconstruct the machinery, temporarily. To remove yourself from the " throws of dice ", and become a " phenomenon. " How, fortunate is, that ?
Planning has to be to perfection. The light shines, meekly, but, at least it does. To find the glimmer of hope, that one day, there will be a sign showing me where I went astray. To again associate myself with.....that, which you survive, against " the odds. "  
I smile. Despite, loss.