Objects in the rear view and point of madness.

Objects in the rear view.

“When you put the past to bed , the demons sleep.” Nardine Sanderson.

Once upon a time and place there was the old me. A little shy, freshly divorced and in emotional pain. Sometimes it’s not what can save you but who! We’ll that’s how it all begun. The dark poetry,  the manic love, and the eventual downward spiral. Formally known as psychosis. But before these events, there was love, a great love, abuse and manipulation. Red flags may have taken years to see, behind genius eyes and his place in my heart. What was it that made me the victim,  the happenstance of love, and the villain.  To prey on my weakness,  to form trauma bonds between us, several years of love and hate. Only he knew the magician,  the blindfold,  and the chains. Only he knew he had me bluffed,  trapped,  and vulnerable.  So how does one come to this here moment? I’ll tell you how, we met in a mutual understanding and it was more about infatuation than the normality of love. I was consumed by his romantic gestures,  his beautiful dark mind, and his charismatic charm. I was oblivious to the reality and nature of his intentions.  To love me, victimize me , shame me, and control my life. It simply impossible to have known the truth.  A keyboard warrior  with plenty of time to invest in his plan, plenty of stories to make me believe. An ex military service man, shot in the face in the line of duty. According to his mother,  he never served,  and the scar on his face was believed to have happened when falling off his bike as a child.  He would show me guns, knives,  swords, some said to have killed people.  He was always use the terms the bad men. How much more difficult it got for me to leave.  The person I knew was not even a person,  a make believe character who not only had me surrounded with toxic traits,  also had me fearing for my life. Many occasions he would anger out, blame me for his temper,  break up with me, block me on social media,  only to come back pleading,  begging for forgiveness.  I can’t live without you he would say. On numerous occasions he would threaten me, I knew he was drinking whiskey again,  I knew by the attitude,  and the abrupt words he chose to use. Is it true alcoholics don’t remember their actions.  I was forced to forgive and forget numerous times like a yoyo,  rebounding back into his control,  and this type of love or obsession is dangerous.  He was playing with fire, and I was the puppet connected by his strings. Only in time cut them off completely in order to heal.
       I remember how it felt like betrayal,  speaking out and getting help, the sheer thought of dying or losing a loved one in the course of our separation terrified me. Not only was he in control of my heart, he had my thoughts tied up in knots.  I was confined to the house,  I lost friends, my lively hood, my confidence,  hope and I was fearing the worst. How did things come about you might ask, I’m a writer,  and writers publish their work.. well that’s apart of the process,  the gradual climb in the career.  In this case I wanted to stop writing all together in order to save myself and family members. Let me try and explain this, he was angry again,  something I said,  or didn’t do. I was abused for hours , accused of things he thought I had done. No amount of reasoning,  talking or expressing could stop his mind from wandering through this unwarranted aggression.  I’ll kill you if you ever publish,  he said.  My worse fears we being played out by him, to threaten me and my family,  was the iceberg to the ocean. I lost it more and more slowly. My downward spiral into a psychotic episode, eventually everything connected to him, the fears multiplied.  I felt so afraid I was barely living. I stayed in the house,  unless I had to shop for food, petrol,  or if my children needed special attention.  Where was this all going,  the paranoia,  lack of sleep, racing thoughts, heartbeat issues with racing,  flickering , this was the madness he spoke of , the darkness he aimed would come, and take me down.  This was also the beginning of and an end. An end to all communications with him, and the beginning of my fight to survive. How can you trust someone again,  how do you build safe spaces , and allow yourself that peace you deserve.  You publish your work is how, after all the trauma I need to publish,  I needed my life back. My power over fear. My strength to carry on living lay in the hands of myself trying away at words whilst tears dwell and anxiety surrounded,  but I felt freedom.  The greatest piece of art always comes from pain, to I wrote everyday , 5,000 poems since I wanted to give up, that’s 5,000 prayers for survival,  and likely double the faith to live. I hadn’t given up on myself,  I had constant reassurance that all would be okay,  doctors , police,  and the fact that he wasn’t living in the same country,  all things that took a while to comprehend., had helped me survive.
       Imagine allowing yourself to fall into the darkness abyss ever known,  and losing your mind temporarily , due to the actions and words of another.  Someone you thought would never hurt you, someone you loved deeply,  causing nothing but headache,  depression,  psychosis,  anxiety and fear. I forgave all that I healed,  I applied for university,  bachelor degree in creative writing, I  was accepted,  and It absolutely  changed my life, I had confidence again,  something to strive for and achieve,  people to look up too, and to advance my career in life. I started teaching poetry to others , writing more stories,  I was published in new York Adelaide magazine on numerous occasions.  I’ve now published 2 books of poetry,  created a children’s book of rhyming stories.  I’m singing my own songs and learning new things the guitar is one of them.  I’m proud of the strength I have had to endure to get to this point in time, I’m proud of my family for loving me throughout these ordeals and never giving up on me.
     Here’s the reality of psychosis healing,  it’s slow,  often enough it can be triggered,  or reoccurring , I’m medicated doing my best to understand why all these issues turned out to be something so unexplainable. Some might say you never truly forgetful how it feels to be psychotic  manic or depressed.  Odd times the depression tries to sneak it’s way back into daily routine.  Anxiousness can appear out of nowhere,  after some heavy therapy and learning to cope with traumatic stress,  I managed to rebuild,  and am still building.  I nearly almost lost myself,  this is a wake up call for any relationship.  Red flags don’t always show themselves until it’s feels to late. But there is always,  something someone else can do to help.  Even if they just listen,  understand,  and offer some support.
       Lucky enough I had a large amount of doctors who knew how to help me, it’s been years since this relationship ended,  only now I am able to speak about it, face it in hopes of healing and moving forward. I deserve peace,  security and stability in my life. I’m a fighting spirit,  that won’t quit writing,  publishing,  and aiming for her goals.
       You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it, funny saying that , it’s not been easy,  trusting yourself from inward out, knowing the mind can heal itself to a certain extent,  is one of the greatest things I have learnt  throughout this entire story.  There were days and weeks of me questioning myself,  and others , not knowing what was the true reality.  When you lose touch with reality it’s a very scary place of vulnerability. As I always say follow you instinct,  you own true knowing you know yourself better than  anyone else.  Fighting for your survival doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger, and more self-aware. The right medication,  the right support can help you heal a lot faster.  Most importantly make a full recovery.
     My time in the hospital,  under medical supervision,  by order of the courts,  was on many levels an eye opener.  All times were different,  every time I suffered the effects of psychosis,  the side effects were completely different.  Four episodes for different reasons.  Unfortunately they went from highs to lows,  light to dark, I almost lost myself in misery,  deep depression,  disbelief.  Once again I say how can you trust someone fully again , when you’ve been so badly scared,  brain injuries can heal, time makes all the difference.  But emotionally it takes years to recover.  
     Poetry has been a lifesaver,  and thank God for painting and music.  I spend my days writing songs,  painting and writing poetry.  Without the arts who knows where I would be. Creativity has been my outlet,  my sanity,  my miracle gift. To expand and express my own feelings,  healing in my own ways. On a good day I can write about anything,  but the days I suffer I still feel as though my thoughts don’t matter, so I sing, and let out this negative energy that this relationship,  and some other bad relationships have left me in doubt about myself.  I’m learning to trust myself again,  my instincts,  my guts feeling.  Allowing myself time to process,  recover and move forward. 
     Life gets crazy sometimes,  all people go through the hard times and no one deserves to be treated unkind. Especially by themselves,  I try to be kind to myself,  there’s always the voice inside telling me not to achieve great things,  telling me to forget trying.  It’s really hard to recover your self worth when you have been the victim to someone’s cruelty. I had massive dreams to chase,  things I wanted to achieve,  I am working really hard to recover what those dreams were about,  and put them back into practice.  If I can go from manic depression,  psychosis,  delusions,  to healed,  stable,  and a complete turn around of worth,  then maybe just maybe I’ve got what it takes to achieve anything that my little heart desires.
     It takes a lot to be brave and call it out, say enough is enough, and stand-up for your rights to peace. I think making peace with the past heartache isn’t a bad idea, I loved him, to the point of obsession,  when he hurt me, it was at the point of madness,  which goes on to my next book , point of madness,  which is all about psychosis,  my journey to recovery,  the story,  the poetry , healing and more.

A point of madness.

There's a point of madness in a person and when we break it's not always seen
The world is a beautiful place yet mental illness is dark and mean, it doesn't discriminate or pick you from the rest, but living through it is the biggest test.
it's a lonely place when you don't exist,  when you take the knife towards your wrist, but hesitate to some degree, looking back on younger me, depression comes in like bullet or a thief,

there's so much pain and little relief,  not knowing if you'll make it out alive, doing what you can to survive, when Reality is the illusion to some who might then say, it's not the dark of night that bothers,  but the light of day, get up our of bed, put on your shoes, mental illness doesn't choose,  which emotions to apply,  but to survive we then must try, defeat the anger,  calm the storm, it's cold In the silence afraid to be warm inside an embrace,  whilst tears roll down your face ,  there's an old saying that we don't know what we've got till it's gone, but appreciation is everything,  to some it's nothing more, when you can't stand up And you've hit the floor,  it's a struggle to some when they feel so out of reach

Better ways are needed,  someone to teach, it's a sadness that Greif does apply some are stronger,  others die, but nothing can testify on our behalf,  it's the neck and loosened scalf,  the battle we all face in life the same, some are competitive as if a game, one thing I know is were not to blame, sometimes it's just darker without the flame, I know what it feels like to lose someone deep within the heart, it's like a knife tore the world apart,  I know death can be gentle or to an extreme,  and what it feels like to lose a dream,  to battle the demons and search for grace, to lose time with love
And place,  but to be brave enough to want to heal, it's everything we often feel
So no matter how we move, stand up there something to prove, we are human we all have pain,  and a fighting spirit to start again,  every garden needs the rain and when we feel like somethings torn, remember roses have their thorns,  but never could they be less bright,  for they to may grow towards the light,  through the times of seasons raw,  but grow towards the sky not floor, they fought that fight
The love you saw, in any heavy weight or wind
Or rain, they are there to bloom again, some say love and loss is pain, others see as a gain
To strengthen which the soul endures,  although they now have many cures,  but life and it's value cannot be placed , nor a moment goes to waste,  for we don't know our strength nor light,  until it's time for us to fight.

Sometimes I recall the old feeling,  white walls , the screaming halls voices begging to be heard. There a sadness on the wings of the hospital,  footsteps counted for, and a nurse at every station.  Watching with smiles, look a zoo or a book of fantasy creatures. How was it that I became the one watched,  spoken down too,  not all were mean, just some.
Nights were longer in the dark, forced medication, nightly rituals for those how cry, and some had challenged their state wanting to die.  Why is it that at the bottom of which we fall, we cannot seem to justify the high. To trust rebuild and leave. That’s always the plan. The whole thing is trust, but mental illness doesn’t allow that, it makes one afraid to feel, the medication is just part of the deal, white rooms no windows hold those who fight and refuse to take the drug, they’re ability to see the benefits,  like a hole that’s dug.

Sometimes they just die,  otherwise they live, and they live well.  But psychosis is a single handed cell, a hell born from the brain we trust, but it’s still confining,  confronting and debilitating at it best. I guess it feels like some crazy game, or a really scary test.

Where can you go otherwise,  not a person understand this fear, it’s like a million thoughts connecting everywhere but here. And you just gotta believe something,  someone,  hope like crazy it’s the truth,  it’s a broken down body without a roof. Trust the heart which lead not astray,  follow the mess, and the mind on separate days.

I walked the halls of the new building,  followed, stalked by the ghost of him, I once held a conversation,  we spoke happily about love light and all things grand, I couldn’t save him I hadn’t noticed his hand, and he hung himself in the hours that night,  I’m surrounding by something,  in the light.

I saw figured rows walking down the line step by step in the light, I wasn’t afraid,  something like that is too beautiful,  too surreal,  but right.  They were coming from the highest point of love,  to not only lift me up from that low, but give my direction on where to go back to my inner light.

If dark times in life shape the good and the bad, that would mean that sadness still has a place.  And that all the moments between be distant lost, and invisible still hold face. I looked myself In the eyes as of o was foreign even to myself,  worth nothing to me, but a canvas to paint, to produce a smile behind make-up and make believe stories that I was ok and doing better than before.  That isn’t the truth, I had lost more of me again and again,  it’s the hardest thing to know a stranger  and that o was, a stranger in my head. Sure I was me to everyone else,  but inner peace was turmoil.  Destruction and the silent was, I had known this, known dark. I had nowhere to go, i couldn’t hide behind anyone or anything.  Just pushed and moved into society,  with scars open wounds,  and the never ending feeling of being helpless and broken.  So i battle face down the heart move low in the current energy, as if we need the windmills anyway. Life became some crazy new beginning,  I had to find the girl in the mirror a home, and a place in me she could rest easy knowing what ever happened I was her strength,  although I felt entirely powerless to save us both.

She’s like a constant reminder things break, tear apart,  they separate,  diminish,  or fade. She was not lifeless,  but a string off balance,  and my guitars would bring her new light.  Sometimes it’s the situations that cause more pain than the actual feeling.  I loved her less and less every day, we we’re at complete war on the inside.  She maintains her anger and frustration,  and I maintain the grief, the love and the loss. Maybe she knows what it’s like to be afraid,  scared to speak her truth,  after all the times in youth I saved her from herself.  Madness is not that innocence is lost, it just means innocence is tired, restless and in need of care.  Someone to relay on someone to hold you tight , at the end of the day love is the only medicine , the antidote to which saves us in the process of falling back together again.

It’s not easy to rebuild yourself,  find your way out of the darkness,  especially if you are the person who lights the way. It’s easy to get stuck in Greif,  sadness and anger  especially when the one who’s in the dark on the weakness of self,  you see the feminine side and masculine side rival to their death, engaged in duels that flame the issues,  they have to be responsible for all the feeling,  the pain, the healing.  I wasn’t used to being brave. But courageous women never forget to cry, it just makes to hardship less heavy,  easier to carry the weight which feels like the world’s are coming down.
I opened up the door half minded to the facts people die this way.  Medicated,  naked wrapped up in towels,  halfway between okay and not. But I’m here beating the odds,  determined to break the systems of self doubt,  encouraging growth,  renewal and peace.  If to love myself in madness,  there nothing but love to ease all things, in all things, nothing to fear, nothing to mourn,  nothing to lose.

Fire in my heart.
Had i been invited to a place of war inside I battle with the villain,  for the heroes they have cried, the moments come to challenge me to a greater test and duel,  I feel the flames upon me the fire in my heart the fuel
Yet nothing could define what sorrow,  nor the unease in this portrayal
But love has strength to pierce the flesh
Where death could never fail,
So I battle with the villain the great warrior who's cloak is dark of night,  and blind him with my beacon of ever shinning light
Like the fireballs that dwell within,  piece by piece they shall not win, but come to cinders and ashes of dust, for no victory has ever been or seen that sudden rush,
Where the sorrow finds its fists and fork clenching down on the land and sea
Neither has such hurt defined that warrior that is me.
Nardine Sanderson 10/08/2021 (c).

The fighter is you.
"It's the passion in the veins the wills the body to fight,  and the rush of the blood before the light, survival entails the end or the new, the body and blood - THE FIGHTER IS YOU".
Nardine Sanderson 15/08/2021 (c).

Gathering all my warriors the ones that fiercely growl, beaconed by the moon in full
And how the beasts would howl, gracefully on their hunting trip, not a drop of blood to waste,  tracking down the villain,  each path they would have traced,  victorious would they be, in the challenge  up a head, won't stop until the final call, when of course it's dead, ferociously they hunt in darkness, given light they hold inside,  the innocence of every warrior fills my heart with pride.
Nardine Sanderson 27/05/2021 (c).

                         Under the radar.  
                       I was crawling under the radar,  in the shadows of the past , I could not see the light before the impact of the blast, not so much a ticking bomb, but a revelation of some kind, cracks in that current state had fear entice my mind, fragile and composed of madness,  a replica of fallen hope, medicated ,docile , I had no way to cope, I drowned within my faithful tears and woke again to life, every day I faced the darkness,  suicidal vice, I had reached the point of dying but you breathe into me that second chance, for soldiers only know defense and how to take a stance,  so I became a warrior and you stripped me from my sin, I felt the imitation of you dressed upon my skin, a blueprint of troubles gone, and a code of conduct which was love, you handed me this very life, and pushed me further in a shove, into the light of a glorious movement containing more than faith could ever hold, you brought these bones to life again,  and ceased the ways old, You kept my fire burning bright,  and cold no longer reached my heart, for it was filled with love again just like it was right at the start,  so those shadows never deem to provide a place to run and hide , you gave me strength and so much courage, and my soul is filled With  pride.
Nardine Sanderson 23/06/2022(c).

                    Warrior.
A worried mind may never rest, but confrom to nights awake from sleep, and cross  with matter all the things that a mind could dwell as deep,
but sorts out nothing but a lie, it's not the problem that we seek, it's just the illusion that we're weak, that parts us from our rest
And when we rest and gathered strength we're  somewhat at our best, so let not a worry keep thee long or settle in thy chest
A closed eye may dream a dream Or two,  and when you wake from resting well
Shall find a warrior who battled through.
Nardine Sanderson 01/07/2020 (c)
              
Brave, for I'm still here.
It's been quite a journey last five years, many struggles and many tears
I can gladly say that I've pushed through
And found in life a better view,
From the negative thoughts to positive action,  I've managed my moods
                  And tamed the reaction,  I've mended what's broken I'm able to laugh, thank you to all the medical staff, I'm learning to live in a different way, my dreams and ambitions I pray every day, I've have a man and he's amazing lime grace,  I'm winning my war in a beautiful pace, I love all my family my friends that I've met, I'm not giving up and Hold no regret
             I'm loving my life and I'm still having fun, I remember the moment the darkness begun,  but never should I wallow in sadness or pain,  I'm feeling the new and the old I abstain , the battle was of illness, now the well-being of brain, the hardest was keeping the wounds I obtained,  I'm stronger in knowledge I still have my faith, the watchful angels their guidance I'm safe,
                the ability to see through my eyes and my heart,  psychosis wasn't the end of me but a brand new start,  I have my love and light inside me each battle worn with a certain pride, I am not a victim,  but a warrior,  nothing but the weakness cried,  I stand my grounds with certainty that I shall make it though,  I'm here to tell my story and love my whole life too, I could have given up so easily but my children kept me here,  for things were dark and so traumatic,  bred in darkened fear
                 I no longer take the time to hold that to my heart in ache,  for my life and theirs especially,  I could not leave,  or hearts theirs break, I am not a victim of trouble no suicidal thoughts or of death, I love my life as it is a blessing,  and cherish every breath, I was indeed in such a muttle,  I knew god had my hand, in time and years we won each battle,  and now I come to understand,  that I had the illness for a reason,  maybe it is still not clear,  but I've come to tell you something,  I am brave for I'm still here.

Nardine Sanderson 2022(c).

The dark in me.

You might comfort the darkness to a point of its remorse, but love is strongly recommended due to its great force,
We cannot upturn the flowers we left upon a grave, nor fight death in its remorse only then to save, for life we have a journey and none are quite the same, we battle well as we endure the meeting of a flame, It's an endless love where hope portrays the night and day to be of light,  it is by sun and moon we see, and stars abounds ignite,
To be gathered at a meeting place, the flowers arranged all position love
A peaceful coo of heavens sky called the light of a dove, The sun makes patterns on the ground, and calls it a kingdom of light,  and where the angels leave a feather,  we learn the language of their  flight , so to say we can endure what darkness clouds may bring, as the gentle breeze makes way, we hear the bells all ring, and so the choir of affording angels sing their presence to be known, we gather in our gracious hearts a thought of knowing we aren't alone,
Carry only which may lead you home..
For love is light,  and weightless breaths,
A million lives I've loved him, and suffered through his loss a  million likeness deaths, only to live beyond that darkness I once called upon to retreat,
But found my soul , and wandering feet
And my heart full glowing in loves accord,  for my love he is so well adored,
Why do I feel so much pain moving forward, and when looking back?
I'm dreaming in rainbows , but the nights seem black,  I couldn't change fate for any reason love had tried,  but hope lives on it never died, Maybe he'll forgive my heart for moving light amongst the stars, for I have found a love that heals my wounds And mends my scars Leaves falling in autumn symbolic to my past, I've left the mountain of sorrow, and the tears at last, Bare are the trees that may look strange, but love thrulls a different range, I'm shedding old pain and leaving it behind, making new memories of love that are kind, My heart says it's only him, who can hold me whilst I heal, and when I pray I know inside the love I feel is real, for he can move the dark in me, to console and bring the light,  because I am a warrior who's always known to fight.

Nardine Sanderson 03/05/2022(c).

Persona.
                 I remember her distinctive nature the way she called me and reached for my hand, I'd been crawling at the bottom for far to long, she begged me not to give up, and gave me strength to stand, I wouldn't want to let her down or pull her image into the sand, so I grabbed this opportunity,  I held her tightly,  rightly,  relentlessly as she endured my pain I held her softly,  quietly,  and peacefully,  she gave me no resistance,  she never fought for anything but freedom,  I became her warrior , her queen, and the highest villain
                               we slay the demons , we killed the nightmares,  we torched the savages until the darkness fled, we built up resilience,  forged out of sorrow,  crushed the voice of discouragement,  we fought together like a team in battle , we were counterparts,  as we were the same story,  we become one within each other,  a master of forgiveness,  a challenger and an armoured heart, seeking glory,  we bravely faced their bitterness,  turning hate back into love, we blocked the vices of cruelty,  we shed the anger of a life misused , we lit the end of the horrible pages, with love they then were fused,
                  we became more together,  a reckoning , a force for good, I understand her better now, than anybody could,  we become the spark, the vibrancy,  the echoes that traveled far, and wide, she was the mighty innocence,  I found so deep inside,  we laughed at those who wished us ill,  those who never believed d us true, we become the persona of an equivalent, one plus one is two, the tears would wash these eyes of sadness,  they see more clearly and so distinct in view, she was not only the dreamer,  she was the caged  Bird singing rage,
               we both step beside each other,  fuck that broken cage, we found our freedom in the beginning,  we carried it up till now, and as the bars were high before,  aim beyond those bars, somehow,  and raise the steaks for we arent pretending to be healed , in this world of so many fakes, but together we can make it though , and learn from our mistakes.
Nardine Sanderson 11/10/2023©️

We war and battle just the same.

           I could not compare my inner rival she's tough at times of need, she holds me most firm within her grasp as I twist and bleed,
             She makes paper chains of my poetry to burn and start a fire, I signal with the smoke for freedom , She's often dark and such a liar, on days I feel so fragile,  makes anxious yet my mood,  her mannerisms are so pretentious and a little rude, I cannot say that we are friend's
              We war and battle just the same, although at times I really feel that she is not to blame,
                        You see we all have that nagging thought,  one we cannot avoid or escape,  some of us are the heroes in the story and  tend to wear a cape,  I know somehow that she's the villain , her nagging voice inside my head, mostly I just shut her out,  she'd rather I was dead.

Nardine Sanderson 14/05/2022(c)..

Survivor.
              I guess you could say I'm a survivor nothing changes unless you fight,  I wasn't sure if I could find it, through the darkness but there is light,  No one knew the journey like me, the battle I thought I would never win, but there's a triumph in my mind and it's etched upon my skin, some might say it's nothing,  but the mental endurance I claimed to proceed
                  When you're down and broken,  you tend to break and bleed, I hadn't been in that situation where trust and belief had done me wrong,  the roads ahead looked daunting and never-ending long, I'm not much more than the average person,  I too had struggled with myself,  on a long and winding journey forward  into health, dark depression had my by the grasps of vicious hands,  but when the penny drops it's all whom look to where it lands,  so I wasn't oblivious to the onlookers,  whom I presume would stop and stare, because I was a little fragile and my mind it wasn't there, you see we take for granted the mentality in a way, but when we've reached the bottom,  it's when you hear them say, look at her erratic behavior,
                        the crazy things she said,  but little did they know of me, or what went on Inside my head, a constant battle for the light,  dark thoughts would pin me down, the only difference between us then was the hospital gown,  I thought that I could handle it, but spiralled into unqualified depths,  and even I knew saving me was for more important steps, doctors guarding day and night the medication I needed to take, because deciding on my own was not a choice psychosis could make, I needed intervention,  a place that I could rest my head,
                I tormented in the hospital,  as I lay in my recovery bed, I had no other option,  or choice,  below me was the grave , but even that I had not questioned ,  my life the doctors saved, I'm stronger than I realised,  that battle was hard and often blinding,  but I pulled through and when I'm sad, I look towards me then reminding,  that not all situations are permanent, when you have the will then to survive this place, darkness comes and goes away, but always leaves a trace
           And that's where you find that light,  like pebbles on the shores of the sea, because those waves of emotions are part of who you are you see, we have to take acknowledgement of all the things we hold inside,  because when they surface up from that place we claim to let them hide
           We cannot always  say we are in charge of how we feel, that depression and mental health,  it's not an illusion,  for it is real, the fight may be long but worthy of its cause, for when we are ill our lives are put on pause, but getting back to healthy thoughts is the biggest test you'll face, for how do we then truly feel when life is at it's best,
                  with grace, the danger of not realising the difference in our selves or others Mental illness takes so many lives it's not bias nor of lovers,  it is darker than we know ourselves which seeks to end our fight, but any battle shall be won solely by the light.

Nardine Sanderson 18/02/2022(c).

Nothing sugar coats a mental illness
The driver is the brain, and some of us seem to live a life of horrible agony and mental pain, you can't put on a bandage or heal it like a scratch,  it's not like someone sneezing or a thing that you can catch, there is a lot of differences between and what they say, as to determine how to mend the illness in that way, sometimes it's all about timing
We cannot help but wait,  some illness may never lesson and others are left  fate, but to recognise it and seek help is better now than late,  for medications often  cease the side effects that cause us greif,  and support of someone else can aid in so much more than just relief, depending on the variations they tend to mend or then contain,  all the sudden changes in the chemicals of the brain, the driver of our daily thoughts can sometimes hit and miss , anxiety can often cause our troubles and often reminisce,  but we have things like psychology that teach us how to fight,  although at first it feels intrusive and a little impolite,  we learn to collect our natural process and often stop it before it arrives,  we are making changes daily,  mending bridges saving lives, depression is a rotten darkness which seeks we don't evolve,  but now they have a tiny pills that puzzle can be solved,  psychosis is a scary illness it feels you've lost your mind, but with the help of doctors and family combined
The right medications can get you back on track, helping others heal takes time but patience never wearing thin, illness of the mind is harder,  its not a case of skin, there are a lot of other illnesses
They too are debilitating and won't reprieve, but nothing can't be sorted out
As long as we believe,  a life of faith holds so much strength,  and aids us in our journey well, nothing keeps us in that darkness where we first had fell.

Darkness cannot win.
                   Must I hunt my feeling like a deer within the light ,  outstretched and rather stunned knowing then by sight,  that if I chase them they grow heavy,  enough weight within to pull me down, and take away the smile I had replacing but a frown, can't I just be polite about it, wait  and watch them from the side, the darkness seeks to build a wall, or a coffin
                As though I've died,  but living with anxiety depressing moods when low on meds, isn't like a game of coins,  flipping tails or heads, I'd rather sigh than wind up screaming,  all the tears won't show, I'm running dry in that department thought I'd let you know,  although I'm crazed in love and doubt I'll hold my head up higher still, for I have what's called the iron cast upon my very will, and so I chase my horrible thoughts like thunderbolts upon a hill, 
                 I would claim  the strangest dream And swallow down that magic pill, for any day that seeks control I'd likely land up ill,  emotions are a peculiar things their either up or down below,  and when I'm high can touch the sky, but when I'm down you'll know, sometimes the hunted becomes the hunter,  imagine feelings just ready to aim, it's nothing short of tragic really , that most think it's a game, my illness is a barring,  a wheel some just like to spin
But heaven knows I'm on my toes, and darkness cannot win.
Nardine Sanderson 08/07/2021 (c).

             
If I hadn't taken the medication. A room all white without the light
Where many go and scream inside
I have to mention the distress
Although I can't say if any died
Its the vulnerability that lays upon those floors and walls, no one cares to listen to crazy, no one comes with countless calls
No windows and no way out just how you entered is how you leave
Within a jacket and a chair or by foot
Some had struggled yet to breath
Take your medication numb you down and take the high, other meds just make you feel like you're floating in the sky.
                       God's un ending fight.
May my heart accustomed count, not the shadows but the light
For I had suffered in a space where darkness found delight
In my sweet recovery from depths of heartache and dismay , opened up my heart and eye's in the light
of a New found day,
Where had I accounted darkness
There's a place that lurks beyond
And though I love the night as much, sacred stars I'm very fond
The old ways of deep depression
Those moments wise but still insane,  have a space of recollection somewhere in
my brain
Although the light of heavens shone to cast away that lone despair, I've gratitude in knowing it
For all the angels did repair
Forced to view the deepest depths
Of what had been a treacherous time, found solace in the moonlight
And ways I call divine
The power of the darkness was battled out of sight,  thanks to my faithful love and gods un
ending fight .

Nardine Sanderson 07/01/2021 (c).

"Could I ever find the words to express what's in my heart,  for I had fallen in a mess felt world's of world's apart,
But my family they're always there to help with all their might,  and bring me back to being me, by turning on the light".
There's always ups and downs in life, but tame the seas you learn to sail,
And in my progress I've learnt it's okay to fail, for in that failure there's an answer
Another thing learnt to understand
That no matter what life brings to you
Its family holding hands
"The more hands you hold, the greater the strength within one place, and I was taught that family is more than love and grace, the battles fought within the mind
Were challenging to extreme , but when we heal and hold together,  chances are we'll chase those dreams",
"Never stop Believing in miracles,  the light and hope when things are dark,
All it takes for love to nurture is a little spark",

Nardine sanderson 2024©️