"A Summary of The Humming"

"Get out your candles,
wait for the cause,
I'm staring at the writing on every thin wall,
of the room inside my mind,
written by shaking fingernails with the blood from my veins.

I have to give it up!
I've got to change!
This isn't fun when it comes down to the wire,
bring me Your Gods,
I hope one's for hire,
because my essence is such a wildfire,
a phoenix quite forsaken,
it's nest a raging funeral pyre.

My insides are broken, beaten down in despair.
I'm so tired of life, I don't care if you care.
Look and stare at this broken boy,
his scribbling a fake way to bring him to joy!
I don't even know sometimes why I still write,
a surrendered being,
whose soul burns in the night,
holding on for the miracle,
of his last heart beat,
where his eyes open wide to their lies,
pressing out harshly that last breathe,
sliding sweetly off to everlasting sleep,
for I know what it's like to truly die,
it's so easy now,
I don't even have to try.

Using these drugs,
just to research profound inner pain,
and stretch out my goodbyes,
but right now in this instance,
I feel The Grace of God,
while most of you live in the blended, bland even,
I feel at home in the odd,
and even though at this moment,
it hurts when I even speak or breathe,
I have to hold on to This Light!
I have to believe!
I'm so very tired of believing in the ghost,
living inside of me,
a plethorized arsenal,
with grandiose, strategies designed personally for me as it's host.
I'm learning it's ways,
breaking it down,
to see how it ticks,
and tricks me into thinking,
that fix is a fix,
because truly deep down,
I'm sick of being numb,
and that is the summary,
of what's summed up,
when it hums."