All I want for Christmas... Is you.

The Christmas after I lost her was one of the hardest.
I woke up that morning, and could only stare at the gray wall,
dawn barely peaking through the blind.
I always woke up before the sun rose.
For reasons I would never tell anyone.
I always thought of her. I my mind,
In my soul, in my waking dreams.
Weighing me down Like anchors.
I waited for a long time there,
waiting and waiting. For the light to shine,
to chase away the shadows.
So we could watch the sunrise.
I was thinking of her. 
I imagined her and I sitting next to the window,
watching the dawn together, like she wanted.
That had to count for something,
even if I didn't want to move anymore.
But, outside my door, I heard excited scurrying,
I heard the children stirring,
Heard my parents' door opening,
so I put on my best smile as I got up.
I wouldn't ruin their Christmas.
One day a year they were allowed to be happy.
One day I couldn't quite appreciate anymore.
We sat down by the tree, 
And I tried my best to be happy.
I smiled and oohed and aahed.
I accepted my gag gifts with laughter,
I tried my very hardest to put on a show.
But, then, I saw a couple walking by outside,
and my heart broke further.
I saw it in my mind's eye.
I saw her and I walking where they were,
me walking to her house that morning,
surprising her by waking her up,
giving her the present I bought her months before.
It was still there, in the closet, waiting,
waiting for a recipient who would never receive it.
I started to shatter, and I saw their worry begin to take root.
I excused myself to my room,
and curled up on my bed.
My mother entered the room.
She asked if I hadn't gotten what I wanted.
I almost screamed at her.
I told her I didn't want anything else,
that I'd received everything I wanted.
I thanked her,
told her I was thankful.
But, my heart knew the truth.
I would give everything I had away,
every Christmas, Birthday, Holiday before and after,
all of my everything,
Just to see her again.
They left, and I curled up tighter.
I saw her laying there beside me,
looking at me with sad eyes.
"What more do you want?" She asked me.
"You" I responded, before curling up again inside.
All I wanted now,
all I would ever want...
What I would wish until the end of my days.
"All I want for Christmas... Is you."
She hugged my arm tightly, though I knew she wasn't there.
She wasn't there.
And part of me started to die.