Ambiguities

“Students make delicious treats for seniors”
What a sacrifice those students are making
It warms the cockles of this old man's heart
Such a sweet and unselfish undertaking

“Flaming toilet seat causes mass evacuation”
A bunch of patrons soiled their undies
As the saying goes. “Know what burns my ass?”
Applies as you try to extinguish your panties

“Teen pregnancies drop off after twenty-five”
Well, I certainly would hope that's the case
That's a dirty big family in any man's language
For the beds, you'd soon run out of space

“Veterinarians take over as panda mating fails”
Okay, now I've got this strange mental picture
It's definitely X-rated if you ask this old guy
An unprecedented and very weird mixture

“Stiff opposition expected to casket proposal”
It's kind of what you would probably expect
Given the condition of the deceased inside
I mean really, we should show some respect

“Head of African country seeks arms”
Wow! Just a head and a couple of arms
What a weird sight that would turn out to be
Most people would sure be alarmed

“Studies have shown that obesity rubs off”
Well, if that's the case, I'll be a-rubbing
Every day and night till my skin turns raw
Till I get back my happy old zing!