Argh! I suffer the plight of Bad Hair Year In One Day!

just moments ago, i went online and tapped Google 
   if some miraculous spell 
   could be drawn out of thin air
cause (this house husband 

   feels a bit embarrassed to divulge), 
   but at present, 
   the will to live aye cannot bear
cuz  after an ample lather of soap and shampoo,

ah pronounced heady effect became immediately clear
where times gone by 
   (even as late as early January 
   tooth how sand and eighteen), 

   the strands clumped, glommed, and matted together 
   as sieve ma noggin got sat upon by a deer
no matter after shaking head banging fashion 
   (imagine rock stars of yore 

   whipping their wild locks) from ear to e'er
butta noah such dizzy inducing antics 
   resulted in absolutely no fluffiness, 
   hence my worse fear

(irrational?) yes, an obsession i.e. 
   thy hirsute outgrowth fixation dated back 
   tummy boyhood when cranky gear
and defective cogs somehow impacted 

   preoccupation concerning 
   every singular follicle fostering hair
strand, but during prepubescence, 
   this now grown man took a fancy 
   to this, that, or the other lad, 

   who sported a style envied yours truly, 
   hie wished said thatch tubby upon mine 
   ma lil oblate spheroid, 
   and pleaded (weathered and in vane)

   with fate to make magically ap pear
this, tis minuscule wiggle room 
   to muster support from rear
guard, hook offer me wiggle room
 
   asthma body electric goes on a manic tear
precious seconds ticking closer 
   to the final count down where
this mwm might remain bed ridden 
   for an entire year.